


Smile Like the Sun

by Kirazalea



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: BAMF Shane Madej, Body Image, Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem, Couch Cuddles, Dirty Talk, Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Grinding, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Kinda, M/M, Neck Kissing, Protective Shane Madej, Protective Siblings, Racism, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Shame, Texting, a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 07:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19969921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirazalea/pseuds/Kirazalea
Summary: Sometimes words can cut deeper than intended.Especially when you don't know that the person you're talking about can hear you.Ryan didn't mean to overhear his coworkers discussing who was hotter when it came down to him and Shane. But when he hears the deciding factor in one of their opinions, it sticks with him. Even though he really wishes it wouldn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BergaraHoe (flannelfeelings)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/gifts).



> thank you as always to lexie (@BergaraHoe) and to mel (@BelovedSpace) for reading through this and helping me make it not horrible  
> full disclosure, i wrote this because someone was talking shit about ryan's smile and it pissed me off. 20k words, two weeks, and a whole lot of nonsense later, here we are
> 
> basically, don't make fun of people for things they can't change about themselves <3
> 
> title from smile by uncle kracker  
> and yes, i was thinking of that vine the whole time i was writing this

Ryan groaned, closing his eyes as the back of his head connected with the chair.

He heard a light chuckle to his right and opened one of his eyes to glare at Shane. “Yuck it up, big guy,” he said petulantly. He probably would’ve had more success detering his friend if he were sitting up straight, but as it was, with him slouched grumpily into the office chair, Shane merely huffed out another laugh at his expense. 

“Sorry,” Shane replied, amused. “I always knew you had a thing for theatrics, but it’s nice to see it in action.”

Ryan groaned again, closing his eyes as he flipped off his coworker. Another laugh came from Shane as Ryan ran a hand through his hair, finally pushing himself up in the chair. He shook his hands out and returned his gaze to the screen in front of him.

He heard Shane wheel his own chair a little closer, felt the little bump as they collided. Shane leaned in next to him, resting his elbows on the desk.

“What’s got you dying over here anyways?” he asked, his eyebrow raised mockingly.

“I have to go to a meeting with some of the execs later,” Ryan complained, rereading the email in hopes that the words would be different this time.

Shane grimaced in sympathy. “That’s a pretty shit deal, man.”

“Yeah,” Ryan scoffed, “you’re telling me.”

Shane pushed himself up, patting Ryan’s shoulder consolingly before he rolled back in front of his own computer. “I’m sure you’ll make it out alive.”

Ryan rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Thanks. Your confidence in my continued survival astounds me,” he replied in a flat voice.

“Any time buddy.”

Ryan felt his lips turn upward, a small smile finding its way onto his face without his permission. He hated that Shane’s horrible attempt at joking had actually made him feel a little better. He’d thought he had a better sense of humor than that, but apparently not.

“You’re the worst,” he stated.

“You know it baby,” Shane said with an overzealous wink.

A laugh bubbled out of Ryan’s throat at the ridiculousness of the gesture. “Truly insufferable,” he continued with a smile.

“That’s me,” Shane said proudly, “good ‘ol Insufferable Madej.”

“You can say _that_ again.”

“Nah, I don’t think I will.”

Ryan snorted lightly and turned back to his computer. He still wasn’t looking forward to the meeting, but the meaningless banter had made him feel a little less doom and gloom about it. 

He made a note to pick up some of the _good_ coffee from the north end of the building on his way back to say thank you.

* * *

The meeting was about as fun as pulling teeth, but overall it wasn’t as bad as Ryan was expecting. Normally getting called to a meeting with a bunch of higher ups meant that you were either getting fired or promoted, but they had just wanted to talk about Ryan’s plans with Unsolved and engaging the audience more. Ryan could’ve done without the stress of uncertainty, but everything ended up being fine and he wasn’t about to jinx that by complaining.

On his way back, he made a detour to the break room to grab coffee for him and Shane. It was on the opposite side from where Shane and Ryan worked, so they almost never came here, but it had the best coffee in the entire building.

He poured out two cups and had just started adding the sugar and cream (he and Shane had long had each other’s orders memorized, born out of both a close friendship and way too many coffee runs as interns) when a small group came in from the other side of the room.

“-no way, it’s totally Shane,” a feminine voice said.

He had tuned out the beginning murmurs of conversation out of courtesy, but the use of his friend’s name piqued his interest.

“Look, I genuinely love the guy, he’s great” a male voice began, “but in what universe is he hotter than Ryan?”

Ryan nearly dropped the stick he was stirring with. He was glad he hadn’t taken a sip of the coffee yet, otherwise he probably would have choked.

“Um, _this_ universe?” the woman replied indignantly. “He’s the perfect man,” she continued earnestly. “He looks good dressed up, he looks good dressed casually, he looks good clean shaven, he looks good with stubble or a beard, like- there are _very_ few men that can pull _all_ of that off,” she argued.

The man laughed. “I’m not saying that you’re _wrong_ or that he’s _not_ an attractive man, because he very much is, but have you _seen_ Ryan?” he countered. “Now _that’s_ a dude right there.”

Ryan grabbed a mug in each hand and moved closer to the wall that separated the two halves of the room. He probably should’ve just left, but he would have to walk past the duo to get to the door and he _really_ didn’t want them to see him.

“He’s good looking, sure,” the woman said flippantly, “but Shane is just... _god_ ,” she sighed emphatically. Ryan couldn’t help but privately agree with her, honestly. Shane was… quite a good looking man.

“Plus, I mean,” she continued a moment later, “Ryan’s mouth? It’s kinda huge. And his smile is a bit much for me.”

Ryan felt his stomach and semi-good mood drop uncomfortably at the comment.

“What the hell are you talking about?” the man asked, sounding confused.

“Like, when he laughs or smiles,” she explained matter-of-factly. “His mouth gets so _wide_ and it looks kinda weird, honestly. Someone’s smile does a lot for their rate on the attractiveness scale, and he kinda falls flat with that one.”

Ryan didn’t hear the rest of the conversation over the pounding of his heart in his ears as he stood there, face burning. The dual feelings of humiliation and embarrassment warred in his body, making him clench his jaw tightly shut and drop his eyes to the floor. His shoulders lifted slightly as he tensed.

He breathed deeply as he stood there, the sickening ache in his jaw grounding him in a rather unpleasant way. He listened back in, but the voices were softer now and getting quieter with every passing second as they walked away.

Ryan let his upper body thud against the wall softly as he tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He absolutely wasn’t going to cry over something so stupid while he was in _public_ , at the place where he _worked_.

But _fuck_ , he kind of wanted to.

The moment passed and Ryan angrily blinked a few times to get rid of the excess moisture. He pushed himself off of the wall and started walking back to his desk, mugs clenched in his hands and mouth firmly shut.

* * *

Shane thanked him as he set the coffee down on the desk next to him and Ryan hummed in response, taking a seat in his own chair. 

“Is this the _good_ stuff?” Shane asked, something like exaggerated awe in his voice as he stared wide eyed at Ryan.

It took Ryan a moment to come back to himself as he forced his mind away from thoughts of the conversation he had overheard. “Yeah,” he said, a beat late. “I was, uh… I was over there anyways and figured I’d take advantage of the opportunity, you know?”

He could tell that he was fumbling just a little, but Shane merely hummed. “So, what was it about?” he asked casually.

“What?” Ryan asked, confused.

“The meeting?” Shane prompted, raising an eyebrow. “You know, the thing you’ve been stressing about for the better part of two hours?”

“Oh,” Ryan said numbly. “Yeah.” He cleared his throat before continuing, telling himself to get a grip. “Yeah, it was fine, they just wanted to talk about Unsolved and upping the audience engagement.”

Shane huffed out a laugh. “ _More_ audience engagement? We already have people that send us fucking _presents_ for our birthdays, what more do they want? Are we gonna physically show up at their houses and ask them their thoughts on the episode?”

Ryan sent a small smile at Shane, his mouth firmly shut. He was still _painfully_ aware of the girl’s comments. “I’m sure the fans wouldn’t complain, but that might be a little out of our budget.”

Shane’s eyes crinkled as he let out a quiet laugh at the ridiculousness of the idea. Ryan’s gaze fell to Shane’s mouth. 

“They might yell at us if we take a tour of the world to go bang on the doors of our fans.”

 _That_ broke Ryan’s single-minded focus on keeping his mouth closed. “ _Why_ did you have to phrase it like that?” he groaned, hiding his face in his hand to help distract from the faint reddening in his cheeks.

Shane just laughed again. “You were looking a little maudlin for a second there, figured I’d see if you were still paying attention.”

Ryan glared playfully at the man next to him, the small upward tilt of his lips letting Shane know that he wasn’t truly mad.

“You’re _sure_ everything’s alright?” Shane continued, frowning slightly. “You seem a little… off. Well, more so than normal, anyway.”

“Fuck you,” Ryan replied, no real heat behind the words. He sighed. “Yeah, I’m alright. That’s really all the meeting was about, I promise. I’m just…” he thought about the overheard gossip, wondered if he should tell Shane about it. “It’s just been one of those days, you know?” he finished lamely.

Shane nodded, looking a little more serious. “Yeah, I get you.” Ryan saw Shane’s eyes flick off to the side before they found Ryan again. “Just… let me know if you need anything, yeah?”

Ryan nodded gratefully, a small smile on his face.

“They literally pay me to keep you sane, so I guess I might as well do my job _sometimes_ ,” he added a moment later.

“Shut the fuck up Shane.”

* * *

Ryan _knew_ it was dumb, _knew_ he shouldn’t keep thinking about it. 

But as the day wore on, he couldn’t keep it off his mind for more than a few minutes at a time.

Every time he started to get into the groove of writing the next script, every time he added in a new joke or a bit, he thought about how he’d have to laugh on camera, which lead to him questioning if it was a good idea to keep the joke in.

Which then lead to him realising that without _his_ jokes, they’d have to rely more heavily on _Shane’s_ jokes to give the humor factor, and Ryan knew for a _fact_ that he’d be laughing at nearly every joke Shane riffed off.

Which _then_ lead to him resolving to add more of his own jokes in so that they wouldn’t need as much footage of him laughing at Shane’s jokes. There were only so many jokes you could fit into an episode before it felt forced and disrespectful to the matter being discussed, and Ryan knew that _Shane_ knew that just as well as he did. 

_So._

If _Ryan_ could say a majority of the jokes, then they could get Shane laughing at them while Ryan kept his own laughing down to a minimum, playing the part of a cool guy that knew he was funny and was smug about it.

The (first) problem (of many) that Ryan was finding with this solution, however, was that he now felt an intense pressure to not only pump out a higher quantity of jokes, but to do so in a way that still felt natural to the flow of the episode and would also be legitimately funny to both Shane and the viewers. It also forced Ryan to write himself into a part that wasn’t actually _him_. He wasn’t afraid to laugh at his own jokes, especially when Shane kept the bit going and made it even better, so writing the episode in a way where he was pretending to be too cool to do more than smirk was proving to be incredibly difficult. He was also absurdly aware that large swaths of their audience would notice the shift and call him out for it in the Postmortem after the episode aired.

Ryan knew that Shane was glancing over at him every time he quietly groaned and dropped his head into his hands (which was often), but Ryan refused to meet his eyes.

* * *

By the time six thirty rolled around, most of their coworkers had already left. It was Thursday, almost the weekend, and no one wanted to stay a second later than they had to. Of course, since the filming for the first Postmortem of the season was tomorrow, Shane and Ryan were not included in the group that was off the hook.

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab something to snack on, what do you want me to get you?” Shane asked, slipping his headphones off and stretching his arms above his head.

“Surprise me,” Ryan mumbled, his face buried in his arms as he lay slumped forward on the desk. 

There was a brief but solid pressure on his shoulder as Shane patted his back in sympathy, followed by a heavier pressure as Shane used the position to push himself up from his chair. Ryan brought one hand out from underneath him to flip Shane off and knew that the message was received when he heard the other man laugh as he walked away. In the safety and darkness of his arms, he smiled.

Ryan sighed as he pushed himself upright, running a hand through his hair. He looked around and saw that everyone around him was gone; the only person left was on the far side of the room in front of Ryan.

He knew it was a dumb idea, he truly did, but that didn’t stop him from pulling up Instagram on his phone and finding the last selfie he had posted where he was smiling. 

He opened the comments and scrolled through them. He found a lot that were making jokes, a bunch asking where Shane was (in front of Ryan, as a matter of fact, smiling indulgently at him as he posed), and a few commenting ideas for future episodes. 

He found what he was afraid of after a few good swipes. 

_anyone else notice how big his mouth is lmao_

He felt like his blood was freezing in his veins as he opened up the comment thread.

  * __Yeah, no kidding. Not sure why my gf is so obsessed with him honestly__



_right??? like its kinda off putting tbh_

  * __Dude’s mouth has no business being that big_ 😂😂😂_



_some people are just better off not smiling wbk_

Ryan could feel the way his face was heating up again, the way his throat tightened uncomfortably. His heart was beating hard against his chest, hammering away as he took in a shaky breath.

“Ryan?”

Ryan’s phone clattered loudly on the desk, falling from his hand as he jerked forward. _Shit_ , he hadn’t even heard Shane walking back; but there he was, looming over Ryan with a concerned frown on his face and a plate with two slices of pizza in his hands.

“ _Fuck_ , man,” Ryan gasped out, his heart beating even harder in fear. Not only had Shane snuck up on him, he had almost caught Ryan in the act. 

He felt the blood drain from his face and his stomach drop as he realized that he didn’t know how long Shane had been standing there. 

What if he had _seen_? What if he had _read the comments_? What if... 

What if he _agreed_ -

No. No, he was decidedly _not_ going down that path right now.

Shane backed up a step, raising his hand a little like he was trying to appease a spooked animal or something. “Sorry, I thought you heard me coming. I wasn’t exactly quiet.”

Ryan let his eyes flutter shut briefly before he opened them again, swallowing. “Obviously I didn’t,” he replied tersely.

“I really am sorry, Ryan, I didn’t mean to freak you out,” Shane continued softly, sounding a little guilty.

Ryan sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “It’s okay, I know. I guess I just wasn’t paying attention, that’s my bad.”

“Well, you’ve had a bit of a day,” Shane offered, slowly walking around Ryan to sit down again. He set the plate down between them like a peace offering. It was three meat with what looked like olives and mushrooms. A personal favorite of his, but one that he knew Shane wasn’t nearly as fond of.

“They had Hawaiian, but I figured you’d actually kill me if I brought that back,” he explained casually, as if he had heard Ryan’s silent question. 

Ryan let out a small laugh that was really more of a huff and grabbed one of the slices. “Between that and the little jumpscare, I might’ve,” he replied.

Shane smiled wryly at him and grabbed the remaining slice. He picked off the few slices of mushroom and set them down on the plate before taking a bite, groaning exaggeratedly at the taste.

“I would’ve thought you didn’t eat all day if I hadn’t watched you scarf down that burrito at lunch,” Ryan teased, taking a small bite himself.

“I’m allowed to appreciate quality food,” Shane retorted through the food in his mouth, taking an even bigger bite afterwards. Ryan laughed loudly and smiled at the ridiculousness of his friend before his actions caught up with him. His smile immediately dimmed and he closed his mouth, awkwardly taking another bite as his eyes drifted away from Shane. He had to fight the urge to cover his mouth as he chewed.

He saw Shane frown again out of the corner of his eye. “Ryan,” he started quietly, even though there was no one around to hear them. “You can talk to me. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, though his eyes stayed fixed on his keyboard.

“Did something happen today? After the meeting or something?”

Ryan thought about the smell of the coffee and two voices drifting in behind him.

“No,” he lied, “I’m just… I’m stressed about the Postmortem tomorrow, you know?” It wasn’t a lie, exactly; just not the entire truth.

He finally looked back to Shane when he felt a hand against his arm. “It’ll go fine,” he promised. “It always does.”

He stared intently at Shane for a second, soaking in the ease with which he said those words, the simple confidence he possessed that Ryan had wished a thousand times that he could master.

“You’re probably right,” he said finally lips turned up in a weak, but genuine, smile.

“‘Course I’m right,” Shane stated, gently slapping Ryan’s arm as he pulled away. “Now, if I could just get you to say that on camera, we’d be set.”

Ryan ducked his head down as he snorted out a laugh. “Fat chance.”

Ryan still wanted to ask if Shane had seen what was on his screen. He wanted to shake the other man until he told Ryan what he thought about it all, reassured him that Ryan wasn’t dumb or crazy for caring so much. It felt like he was holding his breath and he just wanted to feel the relief of exhaling.

But he just finished his pizza and went back to researching a new case.

* * *

Ryan wouldn’t necessarily describe himself as being vain. _Yes_ , he cared about how he presented himself and he wanted to be seen as attractive, but if someone didn’t like how he looked, he knew there wasn’t much he could do to change their mind. He knew he was never going to be everyone’s type all at once, which was fine. He genuinely liked what he saw in the mirror more often than not.

But his smile was one thing that had always been a little different for him.

It wasn’t like his hair, that he could style differently, cut off, grow out, or dye on a whim. It wasn’t like his clothing that he could throw out when it no longer fit or buy more of when the styles changed. 

A smile was something that you couldn’t really change about yourself. It was something that was just _there_ , a natural part of you. 

And it was the part of himself that Ryan struggled with the most.

He remembered feeling uncomfortable with his smile all throughout school, surrounded by people that spent their free time making decisions about their peers with little to no information. He remembered a friend of his whose smile he hadn’t seen until they had already been friends for two years because she hated the way it looked.

As Ryan stood in the bathroom of his apartment, leaning over the sink and staring intently into the mirror, he recalled all of the feelings he’d thought he’d gotten over a long time ago.

He met his own gaze in the mirror and smiled widely. It felt natural, it felt _good_ , but something curled in his gut at the thought of someone seeing him. He quickly shut the door all the way, hesitating for only a moment before locking it. He carefully tracked how he looked as he laughed and stared at the smile that stayed after the laugh was finished.

Did it look weird and he just didn’t notice because he was used to it? Was he looking too much into this, making a big deal out of what was essentially an opinion? His mouth _was_ a little wide, he guessed, but surely that wasn’t enough to be described as _off putting_? 

Ryan sighed. His forehead connected lightly with the mirror as he bent over the sink, staring down at the faucet with unfocused eyes. He thought he was done with shit like this when he started college, but apparently not. He wanted to be angry at himself for being so ridiculous, but he just felt self-conscious and afraid and _tired_. 

He pushed himself up and opened the door, turning off the light as he walked out. It was barely nine o’clock, but the sun had already set in the late winter sky, leaving the room dark and cold. Ryan knew that Shane was probably loving the brisk breeze that was blowing through the window, probably had a joke about his delicate southern California sensibilities ready for tomorrow, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he stood there shivering. He couldn’t wait for fall to come around again, even if it hadn’t been that long since it was here last. Fall meant that it would be cool, but not cold; warm, but not scorching. He could enjoy the inherent spookiness of the season with his best friend and they could watch all the scary movies they wanted without people teasing the “resident ghostbusters.” The sun wouldn’t still be up whenever he turned into bed a little early, and the days wouldn’t be so short that it was dark before he got home.

Ryan really hated when he went an entire day without _truly_ feeling the sun on his skin. 

He numbly changed into a pair of old, soft sweats and curled up in his bed, the blankets forming a cocoon around him. He could still feel the coldness from the window that he’d left cracked open, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and close it.

As he shuffled further down into the pile that he’d wrapped himself up in, he tried to put any thoughts of his smile (of the scripts he still had to figure out, or the Postmortem they had to film tomorrow, or what Shane thought of him-) out of his mind. He closed his eyes tightly as visions of every time he had laughed loudly in the office flew through his mind. 

Ryan knew it was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, i live within sight of the rocky mountains and i’ve been to cali literally twice in my life  
> i’m harcore bullshitting the weather here, just let me be

Ryan woke up to a quiet rhythmic beating. The soft pounding against the wall in front of him nearly soothed him back to sleep, but the louder sound of his alarm going off a moment later ensured that he was awake enough to not give into his drowsiness. He sat up and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand, turning the alarm off and dropping back down onto the bed with a thud. 

He laid there quietly, his eyes closed against the world as he tried not to think about the fact that they were filming today. He took in a deep breath to calm down and noticed a strong smell. He blinked his eyes open, sitting up in confusion. Was that…?

Rain. It was raining.

A multitude of emotions battered him all at once.

Happiness at the water that was so damn rare.

Annoyance that he’d have to drive and walk in the rain.

Resignation to Shane’s inevitable quips about the weather.

Contentment at the ambiance of the storm; the soothing sound and sight and smell of the rain hitting the pavement and rooftops outside made a childish little part of Ryan’s heart leap in joy.

For a moment, he forgot all about the stupid conversation he heard yesterday, the time he’d spent looking at comments and his face in the mirror. Then the smell faded into the background as he got used to it and with it went his bliss. He was right back to the stressed out mess he had been last night.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. As he swung his legs out of bed, a shiver ran up his spine from the chill in the air. He couldn’t help but wonder if the rain was an ominous sign of his impending doom.

* * *

The thing about living in California was that it was mildly a big deal when it rained, which Ryan agreed with. The thing about living in California while also working at Buzzfeed was that there were a lot of employees from out of state that had more exposure to rain than the LA natives did.

This usually manifested itself in one of two ways. The first, and more annoying, way was that the person acted superior about it, treating the rain like it was the most common thing on earth; and to someone that grew up around rainstorms, sure, Ryan could see why they weren’t phased. Ryan himself wasn’t all that bothered by earthquakes, but he could still vividly remember the look on Shane’s face the first time one happened while they were at work. But the way these people would laugh at their coworkers who were excited or wary whenever it rained got Ryan’s blood boiling faster than he wanted to admit. The second way people from out of state reacted was with, arguably, even _more_ excitement than the people who had lived in California their whole lives. 

Shane almost _always_ fell into this later group.

Oh, he _relentlessly_ gave Ryan shit for his nonexistent acclimation to the elements, but the Illinois native absolutely _adored_ the rain. One of the things Ryan knew Shane missed the most about the midwest was thunderstorms and the rain that came with them. Any time he went home to visit his family and it just so happened to storm, Ryan knew immediately without having to ask just by how cheerful the man was when he got back.

True to form, the first thing Ryan saw as he drew closer to their workspace was the huge grin on his friend’s face.

“Not a word,” Ryan said as he set his bag down on the floor and lowered himself into his chair.

“ _Ryan_ ,” Shane whined. 

“I don’t wanna hear it man,” Ryan insisted, a small smile on his face to soften his words.

“It’s fucking _raining_ , and you expect me to keep quiet about it?” he questioned, eyebrow raised dubiously.

Ryan hummed in response, pretending to be focused on his computer. 

“You’re the worst,” Shane huffed, giving up and pouting exaggeratedly.

Ryan lasted all of two second without laughing once he glanced over at his friend.

God dammit Shane.

As soon as it occurred to him that he was _smiling_ and _laughing_ , Ryan’s hand flew up to cover his mouth. He then tried to play it off like he hadn’t just panicked, but he couldn’t tell if Shane had seen the widening of his eyes or not.

Shane was laughing along with him, though, so Ryan thought he might just be in the clear this time.

The rest of the day passed quietly, only the low hum of general conversation and the soft beating of rain against the roof breaking the silence between them. By the time four o’clock came around, Ryan had immersed himself so fully in his research that he’d forgotten to stress.

Of course, all of the fear and stress came flooding back as soon as TJ showed up to grab them for filming.

Ryan had never experienced the feeling of being relieved and anxious at the same time before, but now he could say with certainty that it was an incredibly odd mix. They had each picked their questions for the Postmortem three days ago, meaning that Ryan hadn’t had to worry about _that_ on top of everything else last night, and a part of him was grateful that he wouldn’t have to make any decisions about that in his current state of mind. But another part of him was freaking out over the fact that he hadn’t gotten to pick questions that wouldn’t make him laugh as much. He could’ve searched for the more serious ones and it wouldn’t have been super out of the blue, but now he was stuck with whatever mix of humor and legitimacy that he had created before his doubts had been thrust upon him.

His stress crested as soon as he walked through the door and saw the table set up in front of the bookcase. Shane easily took his own seat, but Ryan felt like he was frozen in the doorway. 

He wanted to run and not look back; he wanted to sit down and laugh like normal. He wanted to just _disappear_. 

But he couldn’t.

“You okay?” TJ asked, brows drawn together in confusion and concern.

Ryan forced himself to nod. “Yeah, just had a bad lunch,” he replied quietly. He still couldn’t force his feet to move toward the table. Shane had looked up from his phone at this point, also frowning in concern.

“He did look a little green earlier,” Shane offered hesitantly. 

TJ’s frown deepened slightly as he glanced over toward Mark and Devon. “Are you okay to film? We can try to put it off until tomorrow or Monday or something.”

Ryan knew that they couldn’t do that. Oh, it was _possible_ , sure, but it would fuck everyone over for weeks to come in a dozen different ways. Ryan couldn’t do that to them. And besides, TJ had the baby at home now. Ryan wouldn’t force him away from his family any more than he already did with all the traveling they did for the show. He owed his friend _that_ much at the very least.

“No,” Ryan said, swallowing around the tightening of his throat. “No, I’m okay, just give me a sec.”

Taking that first step toward his chair, something he had done dozens and dozens of times over the past couple years, was one of the hardest things Ryan had done in a very long time. As he sat down, he could feel the burning in his face, the numbing panic in his limbs and chest and head that he hadn’t fully experienced since his first time standing up in front of a crowd when he was young.

 _It shouldn’t be this hard, why am I so scared, I’ve done this a thousand times, this’ll just be more of them same, get it_ **_together_ ** _-_

Ryan was frustrated with himself; he was frustrated with his situation and the thoughts running through his head, the _doubts_ and _fears_ about how people would see him, how they would _react_ to him; to his _smile_. He knew it should be the same as before; he had gotten over this once when he was younger, it should be just like it was last month and the months before that. 

But it wasn’t the same.

Ryan was used to being scared while filming. That was his default during Supernatural seasons. But no matter how afraid he was in those old houses and hospitals, he had always counted on Shane to help him through it, whether the other man was consciously doing so or not. But Ryan couldn’t tell him about these fears; he couldn’t count on silent support and knowing backup. He was on his own here.

Ryan had never been alone and afraid in this room before. 

Now he knew what it felt like.

* * *

Ryan had so far managed to make his way through the Q&A portion without smiling or laughing too much. Ryan had focused on wryly making most of the jokes himself so that Shane would laugh and whenever Shane snuck one past him, he would lean over, allowing the baseball cap he was wearing to provide a little cover. By the time he straightened up again, his mouth would be firmly closed.

Ryan could tell that Shane knew something was up, but he was doing his best to keep everything normal for the camera’s sake. While the episode might come off a little weirder than normal, Ryan thought that overall it hadn’t gone too badly.

Of course, they still had the roast mortem to get through. Ryan never thought he would legitimately miss the Hot Daga, but he would’ve given his next paycheck if it meant that Shane would surprise him with its return so that he wouldn’t be expected to laugh or participate.

“Time for roast mortem baby!” Shane called out, looking overly gleeful. 

Ryan struggled but put up what he felt was a pretty convincing smirk. He could do this. 

_Just play it off. Two more questions and you’re good, just buy yourself another week._

Ryan looked down at the only one on his list. They hadn’t gotten very many for this episode. The premiers of each season were always a little harder since the only ones that were aware enough to comment were the die hard fans that were counting down to the return of a new season. The second episode always had the most comments, since people had a week of knowing with certainty that a new episode was coming out and the novelty of the season left them eager to engage, but the first was a bit sketchier. 

_I’m almost done_ , Ryan thought, pulling in a shaky breath that he knew the music would cover in post. 

“For the #roastmortem: Shane could never be a murderer. The only ‘killer’ thing about him is his clothes for stabbing my eyes,” Ryan read loudly, putting all the exuberance he could into the performance.

Shane slapped the table. “Destroyed,” he exclaimed in a faux-announcer voice, adding a grumble that he only ever brought out for this segment. 

“What was with that outfit?” Ryan asked when Shane was finished. He had thought that Shane looked incredibly good in the episode, almost distractingly so, but he continued with the bit.

“Fashion, Ryan,” Shane responded haughtily. He then turned coyly to the camera, winking with his lips pursed slightly.

Ryan couldn’t have stopped the laugh that bubbled out of him if he tried. He leaned away from Shane, turning his face away from the camera to minimize the coverage. He both loved and hated the power his best friend held over him sometimes; no one else could make him laugh like that with such frequency. It was something that Ryan loved about him, but right now he also felt the urge to slap Shane for it.

He was pretty sure their viewers would enjoy it.

TJ would probably slap _him_ for it though, which was something Ryan generally liked to avoid.

As Shane cleared his throat and held his phone up, Ryan felt a sense of hope. This was it; this was the last question and then they were _done_. He had almost made it. He was almost free.

That small burst of hope violently shattered with Shane’s gruffly spoken words.

“When did Buzzfeed start hiring comic book villains, ‘cause Ryan’s looking like the Joker with those smiles #roastmortem.”

Ryan felt himself freeze, the blood in his body feeling like ice as it ran through his veins. His heart sped up and everything sounded a little fuzzy for a brief moment before sharply snapping back into clarity. All he could hear was Shane exclaiming again, almost howling about the “wicked burn” Ryan had just received.

“I think we got him!” Shane laughed out when he was met with silence from Ryan. He felt Shane gently but firmly nudge him with his elbow. The contact jerked him back into being a person with a job and he tried not to startle too much.

“Maybe _I_ was the murderer all along,” he said shakily, though he thought the eerie voice he had used might have covered it. 

God he hoped it covered it.

Shane gasped, going along with the bit. “It t’was _you_!”

Ryan couldn’t think; he could barely breathe, let alone think of a funny line, so he just smirked, hoping that the camera wouldn’t pick up the trembling he could feel in his lips.

Ryan numbly went through the motions of closing out the episode, teasing the next mystery they were tackling without truly comprehending what he was saying. It felt like he was locked out of his own body and he didn’t have the key to get back in. He felt a sickening tug just above his stomach every time he thought about Shane words.

So he just didn’t think about it.

He knew he was coming off strange, he could see the looks TJ and Devon were shooting each other behind Mark, but he couldn’t do anything more than move mechanically through the motions. As soon as Mark called the shot, he was out of his chair, eyes trained on the ground as he made his way toward the door.

He could hear Shane call out his name, but he didn’t stop. He _couldn’t_ stop.

All he could think about was what Shane had sounded like as he read out the comment.

Shooting the Postmortem was the only thing that Ryan had left to do that day. He was done. He grabbed his things as he passed his desk, not looking back once. 

He was free, but he had never felt so trapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t know what fucking drug those two are on when they film the roast mortems, but holy shit is it hard to articulate the way they act


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan lay in bed, the closed curtains making sure that the room was kept dark as the sun set. The rain that had petered out during the day had picked up again on his way home and was now battering against the building next to him. The strong breeze lifted the curtain into the air, offering a sliver of light as it blew over his exposed skin. He knew that the back of his shirt had ridden up when he’d thrown himself onto the bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it as the wind continued.

He shivered and curled tighter against himself. He couldn’t believe himself. Not only had he fucked up their take, (leaving the team with the decision to either find the time to reshoot it or put out an episode with an odd atmosphere), he’d fucked up with Shane over something that shouldn’t have _mattered_. 

And that was really the issue.

Ryan should’ve been stronger than this. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, he shouldn’t _care_ what someone had to say about how he looked; he shouldn’t be letting it _affect_ him like this. 

And yet here he was; curled up into a ball, alone in the darkness after running away from his best friend without so much as an explanation. He held back a sob as he thought about Shane.

He had completely zoned out on him, left him to deal with the mess Ryan had created. Shane had just been doing what he always did, and Ryan had blown it out of proportion, leaving him confused and concerned without anything to go off of. He’d been pushing the other man out since yesterday, acting weird and refusing to smile or laugh with him like he always did.

Fuck, what if Shane thought it was _his_ fault?

Part of Ryan, the part that was still holding back a scream every time he thought about Shane saying those words (that were so fucking _cheesy_ and _dumb_ and _shouldn’t have had this much of an_ **_effect_ ** _on him-)_ , was _happy_. Shane had hurt Ryan in a way that he didn’t even know he _could_ be hurt; it was only fair that he hurt too.

Every other part of Ryan was horrified. How could he feel that way, even for a _second_? It wasn’t fair to Shane; he hadn’t done it knowingly, he’d had no way of guessing that what he said what exactly what Ryan couldn’t stand to hear. 

He also couldn’t stand the thought of Shane thinking that it was his fault. He had been the thing that broke Ryan, sure, but he didn’t bear the blame for it. Shane was someone that genuinely cared for him.

Which made it so much worse to hear him joke about Ryan like that.

Because he _had_ chosen that comment to read. He _had_ seen its point and agreed with it, to some extent.

And _that_ was what had thrown Ryan off the edge that he’d been delicately balancing himself on.

He’d never told Shane about this, never really saw the point in bringing it up, so _of course_ he couldn’t have known, but it had taken Ryan all of his childhood to come to terms with his smile. He’d spent so many years thinking that his smile was something he should be ashamed of, something he needed to _hide_. So many classmates had commented on it when he was young, when the kids around him hadn’t developed the concept of a social filter yet. Then, when they had all grown up a little, no one had _said_ anything, but he could always see their eyes linger or their smiles take on a significantly more amused tilt.

By the time he had hit college, he’d said fuck it and worked on his confidence to the point where he hadn’t actively thought about it in _years_ , but things like that have a funny way of sticking with you, even when you think they’re gone.

Just waiting for the right catalyst to bring everything back up.

Ryan groaned as he turned on his back, his hands coming up to rub his eyes. He didn’t _want_ to do this. Not now, not _ever_. He didn’t want to fall into that stupid fucking hole of self-consciousness again; he couldn’t _afford_ to, when being on camera, being seen by millions of people, was his _job_.

He turned his head to stare out the window where the curtains had left a gap. He’d taken his contacts out as soon as he’d gotten home, so all he really saw was a gray blur, but the wind on his face felt good against his stinging eyes.

His phone had vibrated several times since he’d gotten home, but this time when he felt it against his leg, he reached out a hand to grab it.

He saw seven texts and three missed calls from Shane, a couple texts from TJ, and one from Jake, oddly enough. He wasn’t ready to deal with Shane right now, with everything going on in his mind, and TJ would probably suggest that he do exactly _that_ , so he opened the most recent one from his brother.

He probably should’ve known that it was a trap from the get-go; that was on him.

  * hey, shane said you weren’t feeling good, what’s up???



Ryan honestly thought about just _not_ answering, but he’d grown out of petty bullshit with his brother before graduating high school.

_Using the little sibling… That’s low, even for him_

  * lmao thanks



_Any time_

  * seriously though man, what happened? you alright?



Ryan sighed. Was he alright? No. Was he going to air out all of his lifelong insecurities to his younger brother over text? Also no.

_Just my brain being dumb, nothing new._

  * hey man, you don’t have to tell me twice



_You know I know where you sleep right?_

  * bold words from a man that i have a grave’s worth of dirt on


  * i’m sure the internet would love to hear some of the stories i have of you



_You know you’re a little shit, right?_

  * oh i’m wildly aware, don’t worry



Ryan snorted at the banter, a genuine, if quiet, laugh being pulled out of him. He was happy to note that he didn’t feel the need to hide his smile. 

In the solitude of his room, where he was the only person occupying it. 

Well... progress is progress.

_As long as you know._

  * so, now that you’ve dodged the question like eight times, i repeat


  * what’s up with you? why did shane feel the need to text me about your shit?



_It was twice, thank you very much._

  * ??? i’m waiting buddy



Ryan sighed again. He knew that he could just… _stop_ responding, but that would lead to a whole _other_ thing and Ryan wasn’t entirely sure that Jake wouldn’t just show up with his spare key and let himself in at this point.

Or worse. Give his key to Shane.

_Look, you can’t fucking tell anyone about this, you hear me?_

  * yeah, yeah, i know, brotherly pact of silence and all that


  * now, what happened?



Ryan pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, worrying away at it gently as he thought about what he wanted to say. He still didn’t really _want_ to get into everything with Jake, but… his brother was old enough. He knew that Ryan wasn’t the cool, confident older sibling he’d always seen him as when they were younger. Jake was aware that Ryan had his own shit to deal with and his little brother was confident enough in himself that hearing about that wouldn’t have a detrimental effect on him. 

Ryan had been _very_ careful with that when they were younger. He’d had a friend that was a younger sister, and the way she’d looked up to her older siblings had blown Ryan’s mind. He’d talked to a couple of Jake’s friends once not long after, and the way he spoke about him to them was incredibly different to how he talked to Ryan face to face. He’d been a lot more careful after that not to do any dumb shit that would influence his brother, and he’d like to think that he succeeded for the most part.

Neither of them were dead or in jail, so he figured he must have done a good job.

But Jake was an adult now, he had a life of his own. He had long since recognized that Ryan was just another person, bound to flaws and mistakes like he himself was. And he’d known Ryan longer than anyone. He might actually have something helpful to say for once.

  * if you fell asleep so fucking help me dude



Ryan let out a shaky laugh before replying.

_Not asleep. Just thinking about how to phrase it._

  * just hit me with it


  * word vomit that shit



Ryan’s laugh this time was much steadier. He took a breath in before he began typing.

_Look, it’s dumb. Just putting that out there first and foremost, so shut the fuck up, I already know that._

_I don’t know if you remember this, or if you ever even knew about it in the first place, but I used to be really self-conscious about my smile. And like… it’s the dumbest shit, but I overheard someone’s conversation in the office yesterday and it just… I don’t know. It kind of brought all of that back up again. Dredged it up from the absolute hellscape that is my repressed memories. Seriously, I’m pretty sure that if it were a physical place it would look like your room. And anyways, the past couple days, I just haven’t really wanted anyone to see me smile or laugh or anything, so I’ve been trying to coast by, I guess. Which, my entire fucking job is being in front of a camera for a comedy show, so obviously that didn’t go well._

Ryan hesitated for a moment, his thumbs poised over the keys. Did he really want to do this? Did he really want to put it all out there like this? 

He pushed out a breath and continued typing. If he didn’t do this here, he wouldn’t do it ever.

_You know how we’ve been doing the roast mortem segment recently, right?_

After a few moments of being left on seen, he rolled his eyes.

_That was a legitimate question dumbass._

Almost immediately the response popped up.

  * fuck you


  * and yes, i’ve been keeping up with the show


  * tell shane to bring back the hot daga after you guys get your shit together btw



_I’m going to ignore the sting of betrayal that is you enjoying the Hot Daga for now, but don’t think I’m forgetting that._

_Okay, so we’ve been doing the roast mortem while Shane takes a break from his little ‘‘creative writing process’’ bullshit, and normally it’s fine. Like, I’m fine laughing at myself, you of all people know that. But today the one Shane picked just… Everything I’ve been feeling on edge about the last couple days? It hammered all of that home with a fucking sledge hammer. The actual comment was so dumb and any other time and I probably would’ve laughed at it, but today it just… sent me over the edge. I was already dealing with all this shit that I thought I was done with when I got out of puberty, and hearing my best friend, the person I arguably trust more than anyone else in my life, mock the thing that I was struggling with the whole day, the thing that made me nearly break down in the middle of filming was just. Really shitty._

Ryan could see Jake typing and when it continued for longer than a couple seconds, he felt his fear rack up a notch. Fuck, he was actually going for it. That could either be the best thing he could get right now or it would be absolute bullshit and Ryan would have to drive all the way over there just to slap him.

Oh well. He didn’t exactly have plans tonight anyways and he’d just gotten paid, so gas wasn’t a problem. 

  * look ryan, i don’t think i have all of the answers here, i really don't. and i’m genuinely sorry about that, but here’s what i’m getting from this. 1. it’s not dumb and i don’t want you to think that i’m ever going to mock you for this, okay? i might be a shitty brother sometimes, but i need you to know that 2. yeah, i knew... i fucking looked up to you so much, you really thought i didn’t notice you covering your mouth at dinner and whenever you brought friends over? 3. tell me the names of whoever the fuck sent you spiralling like you’re 12 again and i’ll hunt them down, just say the word. 4. rude, don’t bring my poor room into this, you were a teenager once too you absolute fucker 5. i’m pretty sure you already know this but ryan? shane didn’t pick that comment to hurt you. whatever the fuck it said, he picked it because he thought it would make you laugh, not because he knew what you were going through and wanted to exploit that, alright? he wouldn’t have texted me panicking about if you were okay if he wanted to hurt you 6. i know that me saying all this stuff isn’t going to do anything, but it’s okay. you know you don’t have to be mr confident all the time, right? you’re human, you’re allowed to have doubts and weaknesses. you don’t have to air them out on the internet or scream them from the rooftops, but you’re allowed to have them and talk about them. i don’t care if it’s me or one of your ten thousand friends, but just talk about it with someone. 7. while we’re on the subject… just talk to shane. please. i can tell you all the livelong fucking day that he cares about you and will support you through this, but that’s not going to do shit about the doubts you have. so just… please talk to him man. i think it’ll help you through this. you can still talk to me about it, this isn’t my roundabout way of telling you to shut up because you and i both know that i would be much more direct with that, i’m just saying he’s gonna do more than i ever could


  * and as much as i’ve moved past my stage of idolising you and thinking that you’re the coolest dude on the planet, it still fucking sucks to see you hurting, so please do this for yourself. really by helping yourself you’re helping me anyways and that’s the important thing here


  * and don’t you dare guilt trip yourself with that and be all “oh i can’t talk to him about things because it makes him sad and i’m a horrible person” boo hoo bitch, i voluntarily signed up for this and left the offer open indefinitely so shut up and take your free therapy before i start charging 



Ryan had felt a lot of conflicting emotions in the past day or two, but this took the cake. He was gasping for air as he laughed while tears were welling up in his eyes. There was pure _amusement_ at his little brother’s humor, _gratefulness_ at the fact that Jake somehow knew exactly what he needed to hear and how he needed to hear it, _pain_ that (no matter what Jake said), he _was_ hurting him, and an indescribable emotion at the fact that Jake cared so much. 

He was his brother, of course he cared, but he also could’ve just shrugged and sent some halfhearted answer about believing in yourself and called it a day. The fact that he had sat down and genuinely thought this through, addressed every little thing that Ryan had said? That meant more than he knew how to say. Ryan couldn’t even find the words to explain all the things going on with him, all of the grief and exhaustion and love and fear and pain that was bringing out the tears, but underneath all of that, he could feel the loving adoration he had for his baby brother.

_i thought u were studying to be a dentist not a therapist_

That didn’t mean he wasn’t still going to give him shit.

  * are you fucking kidding me



Ryan snorted at the response and began typing again.

_I use humor to cope, fucking sue me, it’s gotten me this far in life._

_But seriously. Thank you Jake. You’re the worst, but I love you. And I don’t have the energy to figure out how to express that and address every part that you said, but the message is well received. I’ll talk to Shane, I promise. And even if I’m not Mr. Perfect, I’m still your big brother and I’m here for you too, just so you know._

  * i know. and i love you too. let me know how everything goes



_Can do. Sleep well_

  * it’s literally 8:30 you decrepit 


  * but thanks. you too



_When you get to be my age, young one, bedtime is whenever the fuck you want. Time is a social construct created by the government to keep us all complacent and weak-minded anyways._

  * lmao, maybe lay off the conspiracy theories a bit old man



_That’s what they pay me to do._

_So in short_

_No_

  * for someone who i’m almost positive hasn’t had caffeine today, you’re sounding worryingly like a person that’s elbow deep in their eleventh cup of instant coffee that they brewed with a mix of monster and red bull instead of water



_That was worryingly specific of you._

  * no u



_Good night Jake._

  * night loser, love you



_Love you too._

It _was_ only 8:30, but Ryan was exhausted. He wouldn’t fall asleep right away, but the day had taken its toll on him and the still falling rain was slowly lulling him into a deeper peace than he’d had in weeks.

He debated it, but in the end he pulled up the messages from Shane and TJ, clicking TJ’s first.

  * You alright man? You shot out of here faster than Shane in the Satan tunnel (5:45)


  * I get the feeling that this is more than just bad lunch, but I won’t pry. Just know that we’re here for you and we’ll give you some space if that’s what you need. Don’t stress about the pm, we’ll handle it without having to reshoot or anything. You did good today. Hope whatever it is that’s going on with you goes alright (6:54)



Ryan didn’t fucking deserve this man. TJ didn’t have a single clue what was going on and he still managed to give Ryan comfort in the way that he needed.

_I’m sorry. I’m working on it, I promise._

_I’ll make it up to you later._

Not even a minute later TJ responded.

  * Don’t worry, it’s all good man. Good luck



Ryan smiled softly in the dark. Kate had really scored with this guy.

Now onto the hard stuff.

Ryan would like to say that his hand didn’t shake as he pulled up Shane’s voice messages, but he wasn’t in the habit of lying.

Ryan listened to the automated voice give the time as 5:35 before Shane’s voice filled the air.

“Hey, Ryan, it’s Shane.”

As if Ryan wouldn’t immediately know the sound of his voice anywhere.

“Look, I just… I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You left pretty fast and when I went back to the desk, your stuff was gone and they said you had left already.”

Shane sounded a little out of breath.

“Just… Just call me back when you get a chance okay? See you… see you soon.”

_“End of message. To delete, press 1. To save, press 7. To replay-”_

Ryan didn’t hesitate to press 7.

The next message was from 6:03.

“Hey, Ryan. It’s Shane again.”

Ryan closed his eyes as Shane’s voice washed over him.

“I…” Shane sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m really worried about you. Please, _please_ call me back.”

There was a pause, like Shane was deciding something.

“I hope you’re alright,” he finally whispered. “Talk to you soon, I hope.”

_“End of message. To delete, press-”_

Ryan hit 7.

The last message was from 7:16.

“Ryan, it’s… It’s Shane.”

He sounded so upset, so… afraid?

“Look, whatever I did, I’m _so_ sorry. I didn’t mean whatever it is you think I meant, I _promise_.”

The was a quiet crackling from the phone, like he had exhaled directly into the speaker.

“I’m really worried, Ryan,” he whispered.

That was definitely fear. Ryan felt his throat close up at the realization. 

“I’m so sorry. Please just… Just be safe, okay?”

There was a long pause before the message finally ended.

_“End of message. To-”_

Ryan pressed 7.

He sat there in the dark, his eyes tightly closed against the burning that was taking up residence once more. 

Ryan had only heard Shane afraid a handful of times in the years that they had known each other. To think that he now had one more time to remember because of something _he_ had done made him want to throw up.

He almost didn’t want to look at the texts. He knew they wouldn’t be any better.

  * You okay buddy? I mean I know it’s Friday, but I’ve never seen you take off that fast before (5:27)


  * Ryan? You’re kinda freaking me out a bit. Unless you hit some major traffic, you should be home by now (5:59) 


  * Ryan (6:35)


  * RYAN (6:35)


  * R Y A N (6:36)


  * Ryan, if you’re mad at me for something, that’s fine, just please let me know that you made it home safe at least (7:02)


  * I texted Jake, I’m sorry. He said you responded. I’m glad you’re alive. I’ll stop bugging you, sorry (7:28)



Ryan couldn’t have stopped the tear that trailed down his face if he’d tried. His throat was sickeningly tight and his face was hot, his eyes even hotter. As he read the messages again and again he felt the hollowness in his stomach widen and drop, leaving him off balance and reeling. 

He’d fucked up.

He didn’t know how to fix this. He had no idea what to do to get everything back to the way it was, the way it _should_ be. 

He almost didn’t respond because he had no clue what to say that could even _begin_ to make this better. But he couldn’t do that to Shane. His friend’s mom always used to tell the two of them never to go to bed without making up after a fight. The principle felt oddly applicable here.

_I’m so sorry Shane, I’m not mad at you. It’s my fault. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow, I just… I can’t right now. I’m sorry for worrying you._

Shane’s reply was even faster than TJ’s had been.

  * Thank god



Another tear dripped down Ryan’s cheek.

  * I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. Can’t wait



A few seconds passed while it showed Shane typing.

  * Hope you sleep well Ry



Ryan had never known why everyone always talked about broken hearts, why _that_ was the go-to metaphor. 

The ache he now felt told him exactly why.

_Good night big guy. Sleep well_

Ryan set his phone down and curled up again. The blanket beneath him grew damper the longer he laid there. His phone buzzed some time later and Ryan frantically shot out to grab it, roughly wiping his eyes as he sat up.

It was TJ.

  * We’re going out tomorrow to celebrate the start of the new season. You don’t have to come if you’re not up to it, I’ll make something up, but I thought I’d let you know



Ryan didn’t know where to begin with fixing the hole he’d dug himself and everyone around him into.

But he had a start. And he was going to take it.

_What time and where?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m a slut for sibling content, if you couldn’t tell. i apologize for nothing
> 
> also, a quote from lexie while she was reading this: “you wouldnt write a fic without guilt would you megass”  
> the answer is no. no i won't


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan locked the door of his car and shut it, making his way toward the door of the Tiki Bar in the fading light. As he swung it open, he could hear loud laughter, pointing him immediately to his friends.

He saw TJ and Devon sitting across from Mark and Lynn from their research team, with other members of their production team taking up the remaining chairs to the right. Sitting at one end of the table to the left of TJ, Shane looked up as Ryan walked in and gave him a small smile. His eyes flicked down to the empty seat in front of him in a silent invitation, but then trailed over to the other end of the table where a couple more seats were still open.

Ryan softly squared his shoulders and walked purposefully toward Shane, sitting down across from him.

“Hey,” he said quietly, returning Shane’s small smile.

Shane’s eyes raced over his face, taking a moment before responding. “Hey,” he rasped out, immediately clearing his throat.

Ryan felt the corners of his mouth turn up. “You had one too many already big guy? It’s only six o’clock,” he teased gently. 

Shane smiled back bashfully in response. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

Ryan snorted. “Yeah, in fucking _Alaska_.”

“Still counts,” Shane said, sounding more confident in his banter.

“Dork,” Ryan replied, scoffing as he flagged down one of the waiters. He ordered a drink, knowing that it would be his _only_ drink of the night. He had a plan that involved him driving tonight and he sure as hell wasn’t going to drive drunk.

“Feeling better?” Mark asked, turning his body toward Ryan.

Ryan beat down the flush that he felt on the back of his neck, knowing that he couldn’t blame it on the alcohol yet. “Yeah, the afternoon was rough but I was feeling a little better by the time I went to sleep.”

Mark merely hummed while Devon nodded. TJ was carefully watching him.

“Sorry to run out on you guys,” Ryan continued sheepishly, attempting to rub away the flush that was still rising up the back of his neck. “I was just… feeling really off and I wasn’t sure how much longer I was gonna last for the day, y’know?”

“It’s okay, Ryan,” Devon said soothingly. “I’m glad you’re looking a little better today, at least.”

Ryan sent Devon a smile, his lips still pressed together. He _was_ genuinely grateful for their acceptance of his bullshit. 

The waiter came back with his drink, setting it down in front of him.

“Thanks,” he said. She smiled at him over her shoulder as she walked back toward the bar. He took a sip and glanced at Shane over the rim of the glass. He was stirring his drink with the little umbrella in the drink, but he looked a little keyed up.

“So,” Ryan began, setting his drink back down on the table but keeping his hand on it. “How’s it going?”

Shane seemed to take a second to realise that Ryan was talking to him. “Oh, um. It’s good. You know I’m the life of the party,” Shane replied. Devon choked a little on her drink as she laughed. Shane turned and glared playfully at her.

“I’m a riot and you _know_ it,” he said snootily, taking a sip of his own drink. TJ and Mark both let out a chuckle and Ryan heard Mark mumble something that he didn’t catch. He felt safe in assuming that their cameraman was mocking Shane, though.

As he should.

“I’ll believe _that_ when I see it,” Ryan added quietly. The overemphasized look of betrayal on Shane’s face make Devon and Lynn fully crack, nearly _giggling_ into their glasses.

“I see how it is,” Shane complained. “Ryan shows up and suddenly everybody’s on his side. Disgraceful.”

“That’s ‘cause I’m the superior one here,” Ryan commented.

“That may be true,” Shane shot back, “but it still hurts.”

Ryan patted Shane’s hand where it was outstretched on the table. “It’s okay, we’ll still keep you around. I know you need the job, buddy.”

Shane snorted, his shoulders shaking with laughter. “Thanks for your _generosity_ , oh Kind One.”

“Of course,” Ryan replied easily. After a small lull, they all got sucked into conversation with the rest of the table, some debate about something or other than Ryan wasn’t actually keeping track of. 

That had gone a lot better than he’d feared it might. Now he just had to get through a couple more hours until it was socially acceptable to ask Shane to head out with him.

Ryan was in the middle of a conversation with Mark a couple hours later, ready to take the plunge with Shane as soon as the older man returned from the bathroom, when he heard it.

“Did you _see_ Shane yesterday?”

Ryan stopped in the middle of his sentence, his eyes immediately going to the group further down the table from him. He hadn’t seen them, but he knew that voice. It had been rattling around his head for the past two days almost non-stop.

“Ryan?” Mark asked, snapping his attention back to his friend. “You alright?”

“Y-yeah,” Ryan stuttered out, clearing his suddenly dry throat. “Do you, uh… Do you know those two down at the end?” he asked distractedly, eyes once more locked on them.

Mark turned his head briefly in their direction. “Oh. Yeah,” he responded. “They work with Devon on some of the management stuff, I think. Pretty recent, _she_ just got promoted last month, the guy was a few months before that?”

Ryan _had_ in fact noticed the guy around before. He’d never talked to him or heard him talk to others (besides the _one_ time), but he’d seen the way the man looked at him. At first he’d been mildly concerned about how professional the guy would end up being, but nothing had happened and he’d been a little flattered. Not that it mattered. Neither of them had made any kind of move and Ryan had been relieved that he wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Knowing for a fact that the man thought he was attractive really just confirmed what Ryan had known for a little while now, not that anything would change. But his friend…

She was on his _team_.

She probably watched the videos after they were edited to make sure they flowed well. A good chunk of her career was looking at Ryan laugh and smile.

Ryan had thought that she was just someone who also happened to work at Buzzfeed in another department, someone who knew who he was but that he’d never interact with again.

Turns out the world wasn’t that kind.

“Ryan, seriously, what’s up? Do you know them?” Mark asked suspiciously. Ryan realised that he hadn’t said anything in over a minute. 

“Um,” he began, not knowing where he was going with this. “No, no, never talked to them before. They just… looked familiar. That must be why,” he finished lamely.

He forced his eyes back onto Mark and saw that his forehead was creased, his brows pulled down worryingly. Ryan bit his lower lip, hoping that this wouldn’t go anywhere but knowing he wouldn’t get off that easily.

Mark sighed before speaking. “Look, I’ve got no idea what’s been going on with you. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Shane, or you and those two chucklefucks down there, okay? But whatever it is…” he trailed off for a moment, just looking Ryan in the eye. “I’ve _never_ seen you like this,” he continued quietly enough that Ryan could barely hear him. “Do you need to talk about it?”

Ryan’s face felt hot as he responded. “No, I’m okay, I just-”

He stopped speaking when he picked up on the woman’s voice again, just barely loud enough for Ryan to make out over the other conversations at the table.

“Look, I’m not sayin’ Ryan’s not fucking hot, okay?” she laughed out, clearly drunk. “To each their own, y’know? I’m just saying that I prefer someone with a sm-smaller mouth.” She had gasped out the last bit as giggles overtook her sentence. 

Her friend was also giggling quietly, leaning into her.

Ryan couldn’t tell if they said any more. He couldn’t hear over the dull throbbing in his head, drowning out the rest of the world. 

Ryan still couldn’t blame it on the alcohol.

“I-” Ryan clumsily pushed himself up from his seat. “I gotta go,” he rushed out.

“Ryan-” Mark tried to say, but Ryan couldn’t breathe.

He took a step backwards, the image of most of the table staring up at him burned against his eyes before he turned away.

And immediately bumped into someone’s chest.

Ryan backed up again, his eyes wide. He began stuttering out an embarrassed apology before the words died in his throat.

He’d bumped into Shane.

Shane; whose hands were on his arms, steadying him, and whose gaze was locked on the table behind them. 

Ryan’s breath caught in his throat as he looked up at the taller man. Ryan had never seen him this furious before. He’d seen Shane go along with a bit, furrow his eyebrows and glare into the camera; he’d seen Shane exasperated with coworkers or annoyed by other drivers on the road; he’d never seen this look of pure _anger_.

Ryan ripped himself out of Shane’s grasp, almost tripping over a chair in his haste. Shane’s eyes finally fell on him and he couldn’t take it. Being the focus of all that emotion wasn’t something he could deal with right now.

So he roughly pushed past his friend, ignoring the sounds of people calling his name as he slammed the door open and left the bar. The cold air bit at his exposed face as he nearly ran toward his car. He got in and turned it on, pulling out of the parking lot. He could’ve sworn he’d heard someone call his name before he shut the car door, but when he looked at the building as he drove past, there was no one there.

* * *

Ryan pushed the door to his apartment open, closing it with more force than he meant to. He felt like his throat was closing off as he paced in front of his couch, his hands coming up to grip his hair tightly.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck._

She _worked with him._

Well no fucking _wonder_ she had such a strong opinion on him. If he had to stare at his face all the time he’d probably hate the way it looked too.

 _She didn’t have any complaints about Shane,_ an unhelpful voice told him. Ryan wanted to shut it off, but it wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t just some asshole that had nothing good to say about anyone. She’d been _quite_ enthusiastic with her high opinion on his co-host, someone she must see just as much as Ryan.

So it wasn’t an ‘everyone’ thing. It was definitely a ‘Ryan’ thing.

Ryan fell onto his couch, pulling his feet up in front of him. He wound his arms around them, holding himself tightly as he rested his head against his knees. The worst was that he couldn’t even blame her. He had pretty much the same opinion.

Sure, he wasn’t horrible looking; but his smile was just _too much._ And Shane on the other hand… Well. Who _wouldn’t_ notice him?

Even when he was tired or sick or _angry_ , like he had been tonight, there was just something about him that drew you in. Ryan had been dealing with it since before they started filming together, this constantly buzzing awareness of how attractive the man was. Working with him on Test Friends and _especially_ Unsolved had done nothing to help. But to repeatedly have it so bluntly pointed out to him? That Shane was _so fucking_ _gorgeous_ and he was maybe _passable_ at best? That broke something in him.

Because why would someone like _that_ ever look twice at someone like _him_? Sure, Ryan was a decent guy; funny at times and not horrible to be around. But it was hard to get over something so _glaringly_ present like that. The mouth was one of the first things you noticed about a person, one of the things that would always draw your eye. And if Ryan’s was as repulsive and huge as he was being told it was, then he was fucked, wasn’t he?

He curled up tighter, his arms starting to hurt from the strain of holding himself together. His mind was feeling that strain too.

He knew he shouldn’t care about this so much. It was _one person_ , and not even someone he knew. The comments on his posts had also been few and far between, with a lot more complimenting him than disparaging him, but the fact that they were all saying the same thing that he himself had been thinking for so long was pushing him farther than he wanted it to and he didn’t know how to stop it.

He could feel his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jacket like someone was calling him, had felt it a couple times while he was driving too, but he ignored it now like he did then, and yesterday.

God, he was a terrible friend.

Eventually the buzzing faded out for the night. He picked himself up and dragged himself to bed, shucking off his clothing as he went until he was left in just his underwear, too tired to grab anything to change into. After a while, Ryan fell asleep, ignoring his headache the best he could.

Eventually, the tears dried out as he stared into the dark, thinking about all the ways he’d been fucking up recently.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure this chapter makes up like half of the fic by itself

Ryan woke to a frantic and loud knocking on his front door. His headache from last night made its return with a dull vengeance, making his already groggy mind even less useful than it normally was first thing in the morning. 

For a split second, Ryan thought about pretending not to be there and waiting for the person to go away so that he could go back to sleep. But as the knocking picked up again, pounding against his door, he shot out of bed frantically, blankets flying as he shoved them off. His neighbors would probably kill him if he didn’t address the situation and Ryan really wasn’t in a mood to deal with _that_ on top of everything else.

He quickly jogged down the hall to his living room, and unlocked the door, pulling it open.

“Hello?” he croaked out, trying not to squint at the large blurry figure in front of him.

“Ryan, thank go-”

Shane, who was standing in front of him looking vaguely like he had _also_ thrown himself out of bed to get here, cut himself off. Ryan squinted a little as he looked up into his friend’s face. He couldn’t quite tell, but it looked like Shane’s eyes had fallen lower than his face before they snapped back up quickly.

Which was about the time Ryan remembered that he’d gone to bed in just his underwear last night.

And he hadn’t grabbed anything else on his way to the door.

He immediately blushed and slammed the door shut, his own unseeing eyes wide and horrified.

Ryan stood there panicking for a moment before a soft knock startled him. He almost didn’t open the door again, knowing exactly what was waiting for him, but he steeled himself. He owed Shane _this_ at least.

He opened it just a crack, sticking his head out while the rest of his body was shielded by the wood.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly. He couldn’t quite bring himself to look up from the floor.

“Hey,” Shane replied quietly. He almost sounded dazed.

“Sorry. I didn’t, uh…” Ryan swallowed heavily. “Didn’t mean to flash you first thing in the morning.”

“First thing in the…” Shane trailed off in disbelief. “Ryan it’s like 11:40, did you _just_ get up?”

“Um… No?”

Shane huffed out a small laugh. “Don’t worry. I’ve been up for hours, I’ve had plenty of time to time to gain consciousness. Unlike you, I guess.”

Ryan didn’t think his face could heat up any more than it already was, but his cheeks felt hotter than they were a second ago.

“Do you… Do you wanna come in?” Ryan asked tentatively. 

“I’d appreciate it,” Shane replied wryly. “Do you want to go grab something and come back, or…?” he suggested, trailing off.

Ryan thought about it for all of a second. “No, I don’t wanna just leave you out here. Just… Just close your eyes, okay?”

Shane’s head tilted a little, but Ryan could faintly see his eyes closing. Ryan looked left and right down his hall, squinting to try and make out any figures, before he opened the door a little more and grabbed onto Shane’s arm.

He pulled the taller man inside and closed the door. He carefully lead him toward the living room. “Okay, you’re right in front of the couch, just sit down. I’ll be back in a second.”

Shane hummed affirmatively and Ryan rushed back to the safety of his room, lightly closing the door behind him. He knew Shane would hear him if he groaned, but _boy_ did he want to.

He had just _opened the door_ for the man he was a little bit in love with while nearly _naked_. God, he just hoped Shane never told anyone about this; he’d never live it down.

He quickly threw on the first things he saw, a jersey and some sweats, and grabbed his glasses out of their case. He stopped in the bathroom to buy himself a little more time, quickly brushing his teeth and scrubbing his face with water. He took in a deep breathe before opening the door again.

If he was going down he might as well get on with it.

Shane was sitting right where he’d left him, staring absently out the window. He turned his head at the sound of Ryan walking into the room and offered a small smile.

Now that Ryan could actually _see_ , he noticed that Shane looked worse than he’d initially thought. His hair was tousled in a way that looked like he hadn’t bothered to brush it after rolling out of bed and had been pulling at it ever since; he had creases under his eyes that his own glasses didn’t quite hide. His hands were pressed to his legs, gripping them tightly as he straightened up from his slouch.

He looked like he was about to stand up, so Ryan spoke first. “Want some coffee or something? Water?”

Shane blinked before shaking his head lightly. “No. No, I’m okay, thank you though.”

Ryan hovered for a second more before carefully sitting down with Shane, leaving a space between them. He inhaled once before blurting out, “I’m sorry.”

Shane stared at him quietly. “What are you sorry for?” he asked gently.

“Um. Opening the door almost naked for starters?”

Shane laughed, his head dipping a little with the sound. “I forgive you,” he said easily. He gazed almost fondly at Ryan for a moment before his eyes dropped again.

“Sorry for waking you up,” he offered sheepishly.

“I forgive you,” Ryan replied, the corner of his mouth ticking up. 

Shane met his eyes again, smiling gratefully at the attempt at humor. His smile soon fell, though. He took in a small breath before carefully blowing it out. “So,” he stated.

Ryan was nervous, but he stayed silent, waiting for the older man to continue.

“I know you probably don’t want to do this right now, but… Ryan, we _have_ to talk about the past couple of days.” Shane sounded like he was begging Ryan to hear him out and Ryan felt all the self-hatred he’d had the last couple of days spike up again.

“I’m sorry,” he started as he looked away from Shane. “I don’t… I know I’ve been weird, but it wasn’t you, I promise.”

“Then what?” Shane said softly. “Ryan I _want_ to help, but I feel like I’m just making things worse every time I try. I need… I need something to grab onto here,” he pleaded.

“It’ll sound really dumb,” Ryan whispered, burning a hole into the floor with his gaze.

“It’s made you run away from everyone _twice_ now, Ryan. I don’t think it can really be _that_ dumb.”

“It is,” Ryan insisted hollowly. “It’s completely pointless and _meaningless_ and-”

“ _Hey_ ,” Shane said, cutting him off with a hand on his knee. “Don’t,” he continued softly. “Don’t do that to yourself. If it’s affecting you this much, it’s not _pointless_ and it’s not _nothing_.”

Ryan lifted his eyes to search Shane’s face, but all he saw was sincerity and worry. 

“I’ve just been… listening to other people’s opinions a little too much, I guess.”

“How do you mean?” Shane asked patiently, like Ryan _wasn’t_ drawing this out dramatically.

Ryan sighed, resting his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands. Shane’s hand stayed where it was further down.

“You remember that meeting on Thursday?” Ryan mumbled.

“I thought you said everything was okay?” Shane asked worriedly. 

“It _was_ ,” Ryan said quickly. “Nothing really happened, it was a normal meeting. But I stopped in the break room over there afterwards to… Shit, this sounds cheesy, but I… I wanted to grab some of the good coffee as a thanks for calming me down earlier, you know?”

Ryan felt Shane’s fingers twitch against the inside of his leg and when he glanced over, he saw Shane smiling.

Ryan felt a soft smile on his own face as he looked down again. He closed his eyes and took a careful breath in. He could get through this. 

“I uh. After I’d grabbed the coffee,” Ryan started again. “A couple of people walked in. They were… They were talking about _us_.”

“Would I happen to know these people?” Shane asked, an emotion Ryan couldn’t name coloring his voice.

He lifted his head, turning it in Shane’s direction. “I don’t know their names,” Ryan admitted, “but do you remember the two really drunk people at the other end of the table last night? The blonde lady and the guy with the dark hair and the shaved sides?”

Shane’s jaw stiffened and his eyes narrowed in anger. “We’re acquainted,” he said shortly.

Ryan stared for a moment, eyes wide. “Right. Um. Yeah, those two walked in and,” Ryan cut himself off, looking away and drawing his lower lip between his teeth.

“Ryan,” Shane said gently. “It’s okay. I won’t judge you, or whatever it is you’re worried about here.”

Ryan let his eyes wander back to stare into Shane’s. 

The man he trusted more than almost anyone else.

“They were just… discussing which of us was, um. Who was more attractive.”

Shane’s eyebrow lifted, but he stayed quiet.

“The guy, Mark said he’s been on the production team for a few months now, he was on my side,” Ryan explained in a rush. “But the, uh. The lady far preferred you.”

He was expecting a snort; a joke to diffuse the tension that was building between them. He got a tightening of Shane’s mouth and cold silence.

Ryan pushed on despite the fact that he could feel his courage fading fast. “They weren’t saying anything nasty or- or anything like that. She just… didn’t like certain _features_ of mine is all.”

Shane’s face now clearly showed _anger_. 

“ _Features_?” he demanded, eyes narrowed.

Ryan was glad he wasn’t standing because he was pretty sure that voice would’ve sent him to the floor immediately. It stunned him enough that it took him a second to realise that he’d phrased that poorly.

“No!” he blurted out. “No, it wasn’t- It wasn’t anything like _that_ , she didn’t say stuff about me being _Asian_ , or anything, she just-.”

“She might not have _said_ anything overtly racist, but that’s where it was coming from,” Shane stated coldly, drawing his hand back from Ryan’s knee. Ryan missed its weight as soon as it was gone.

“No, she- Why… _How_ do you know that?” Ryan asked, completely at a loss as to how they’d gotten here.

Shane sighed now, turning his head away from Ryan. He was almost trembling with how tense he was. “People are a lot more honest when they’re smashed.”

Ryan was about to ask what the fuck Shane was talking about when it hit him like a brick to the face. “You… You talked to her last night?” he asked faintly. 

Shane’s head whipped back toward him. “Of _course_ I talked to her, Ryan!” he shouted. “She- You-” His hand was in a fist at his side. “You left without a _word_ , looking like you were on the verge of either passing out or _crying_ , and when I went after you, you were already in your car. I couldn’t do anything there, so _yes_ , I went back to find out what the fuck was going on. All I knew was that I left for five _fucking_ minutes and came back to you booking it and those two _giggling_ , having a _grand_ old time, so I started there.”

Ryan’s heart started beating harder as he listened.

“Mark looked like he was on the verge of throwing them to the floor so I made sure Devon and Lynn would keep him in check before I went over and asked them what they were talking about. They told me pretty much the same thing you just said, how he was positively _enamored_ by you but she _disagreed_ ,” he spat out. “And you wanna know what she said to me when I asked her why?”

Ryan could feel his face heating up, his heart beating hard against his chest as he hesitantly nodded.

“She said your mouth was too big,” he said bluntly, without any inflection. Ryan flinched a little at the statement, horrified that Shane knew _exactly_ what had been going on. “She said _all_ Asian people had big mouths and then she had the fucking _audacity_ to laugh,” Shane ground out. “I really thought Mark was gonna go for it, but Lynn held him back.” Shane let out a bitter laugh and let his head hang down a little, his arms resting against his legs in a mirror of Ryan’s earlier position.

Ryan realised that beyond all of the anger and indignation on behalf of his friends… Shane just looked _exhausted_.

“Is Mark okay?” he asked gently.

“Yeah. He’s fine,” Shane said quietly. “He and Lynn both left pretty quick afterward, but she helped him calm down a little. _She_ didn’t look too happy either, but I texted him last night and he said they were both alright.”

“I’m glad.” 

There was silence between them for a while, neither knowing quite what to say to the other after Shane’s revelation. Finally, Shane leaned back with a sigh, slumping into the cushions. His head tilted in Ryan’s direction. “Sorry. You never finished your story.”

“It’s not like it’s a particularly fun story,” Ryan pointed out with a self-deprecating grin.

“The stories you tell me never are,” Shane countered, leaning closer to nudge Ryan with his shoulder.

“Shut up Shane,” Ryan laughed out of habit. 

“Shutting up,” he replied, pretending to zip his mouth shut. Ryan smiled over at him before letting out a breath and continuing his earlier account.

“Well… I mean, she was talking about how my smile looked weird and how my mouth was too big, which, in her opinion, dropped me super far down on the ‘hotness scale’ or something, and I just,” Ryan paused. “I guess I let it get to me too much. I looked at comments on my posts and saw other people talking about my smile, and I- I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s why I was so weird when we were filming. I didn’t _actually_ have a bad lunch,” he admitted.

“Yeah, kinda figured that one out on my own,” Shane said, his voice hushed.

Ryan huffed out a quiet laugh. “Wow, it’s almost like we ate lunch together or something.”

“Or something,” Shane agreed. “Why did you run out, though? Did it just all build, or what? What happened?” he asked after a moment.

 _Shit._

“Um. Yeah,” he bluffed, his eyes fixed on the table in front of him. “I was just- it got to me, and then we were done and I just had to get out of there, y’know? It was hard being in front of the cameras with all of that on my mind.”

Silence.

After a few seconds had passed, Ryan finally chanced a glance over at Shane. His friend was staring at him intently.

“You’re not telling me everything, are you?” It sounded more like a resigned statement than a question to Ryan.

He swallowed. “What makes you say that?”

“Ryan. I _know_ what you look like when you’re holding back out of fear.”

Ryan opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He didn’t know what to say. He _couldn’t_ tell the truth, it would hurt Shane _so much_. But if he didn’t, Shane would know and he’d be hurt that Ryan didn’t trust him with this. He could tell him it was something really personal, and Shane would respect that, but he’d still know that there was a part of Ryan that didn’t trust him.

And that was so far from the truth that it was laughable.

“Ryan, _please_ ,” Shane begged. He leaned in close, his hand falling down to lightly grip Ryan’s leg again. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. Tell me to fuck off and I _will_.” His eyes were focused entirely on Ryan’s and Ryan couldn’t have looked away if he wanted to. “But I… Ryan, I’m _scared_ ,” he admitted, his eyes growing a little brighter in the light. “You were acting odd after the meeting and I thought, ‘Okay. Maybe- maybe he’s just stressed and something went bad, I’ll just- silently support him or whatever, make him laugh.’ And you seemed kind of okay on Friday after you got working, but then you were acting weird again as soon as TJ mentioned filming. And when you stopped responding and ran out without a _word_ on Friday, I was _so_ scared that I’d fucked up, or that you were hurt or sick. And then last night, you pulled away from me like I was _hurting_ you and you ran out _again_ and I didn’t know what to fucking _do_. I mean I have a general idea now of _why_ you’ve been off, which is a whole other can of bullshit we’ll get into in a minute, but… I can’t help if I don’t know what’s really going on, Ryan. And I _want_ to help.”

Ryan felt the sting behind his eyes as he took in the nervous wreck Shane had devolved into, the way he sounded so upset and agitated and _fearful_ ; all of the things Shane _wasn’t_.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Ryan whispered, sounding a little choked up, even to his own ears.

“Then _what-_ ” Shane cut himself off, his entire posture loosening as his gaze grew vacant, like he was seeing something else.

“Shane?” he asked hesitantly, his voice breaking on his friend’s name.

“The Postmortem,” Shane stated quietly. There was something in his voice that Ryan couldn’t identify, but it put him on edge.

“Y- Yes?” Ryan said haltingly, confused as to where Shane was going with this. “Shane, I don’t-”

“When you zoned out on Friday,” Shane continued as if Ryan hadn’t spoken. “It was right after I-” he cut himself off and looked away, pulling his hand back once more. When he spoke again, Ryan could finally hear what he had been missing; Shane sounded _pained_.

“I picked the one fucking submission that made fun of your smile,” he whispered, like it was a confession of guilt. Shane’s eyes were shut tight like he couldn’t bear to look at Ryan anymore.

Ryan was pretty sure that it would’ve hurt less for Shane to punch him in the gut.

“ _No_ ,” Ryan insisted, grabbing onto Shane arm. He pulled the other closer, hoping that he’d take the hint and look at him again. When Shane still refused, Ryan brought his hand up. It hovered between them for a moment as Ryan sat there in doubt, but he pushed on and gently cupped Shane’s face. Shane’s eyes opened wide, his head turning to try and look at Ryan’s hand, nuzzling more firmly into it in the process. Shane’s gaze trailed up Ryan’s arm before finally meeting Ryan’s again.

“Shane,” he whispered, afraid that if he talked louder his voice would break again. “You didn’t know, okay? You were doing the same thing we always do for the show; the fact that I suddenly had a crisis isn’t your fault or something you could’ve known was happening.”

Shane opened his mouth, looking like he was going to protest, so Ryan moved his hand over the other man’s lips. “Shane, how many times have I made fun of your head on the show?” he asked.

Shane’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Do you know how fucking _bad_ I would feel if I found you crying one day because it got to you finally?” he breathed out. “But you’d tell me that it wasn’t my fault because I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. It was something that, up until that point, I knew you were comfortable with.”

Shane’s face relaxed a little.

“It’s the same thing here, alright?” he continued. “You _didn’t_ **_know_**. Any other time, I would’ve been laughing along with you.”

Shane reached up and lightly grabbed onto Ryan’s wrist. He pulled the hand away from his mouth carefully, not letting go once it was away from his face. “You might not blame me,” he started slowly, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry.”

He lifted Ryan’s hand once more, pressing Ryan’s knuckles gently to his lips. He held it there for a moment before allowing it to slowly drop. Ryan’s heart was once again pounding, but for an entirely different reason. 

That tiny, _angry_ part of Ryan that had been so hurt by Shane’s quip on Friday died inside of him. The part that wanted to hold it against his friend and believe that he’d truly meant it had shriveled up and withered away, leaving nothing left.

“I know,” Ryan breathed out into the space between them. He hadn’t meant to lean in, but he suddenly found himself much closer to Shane than he remembered being a minute ago.

“Have I ever told you how much I love your smile?” Shane asked softly. His eyes were focused on Ryan lips.

“Not that I, uh… Not that I remember,” Ryan replied. The focus on his mouth made him anxious, but the fact that it was _Shane_ , in _this_ context, made his heart and stomach swoop dangerously.

“Shame on me,” he murmured, leaning in even closer. Their noses were lightly touching now.

“It’s not exactly something you drop into everyday conversation,” Ryan pointed out, barely loud enough to qualify as speaking.

“It could be.” Ryan felt Shane’s lips brush against his as he spoke. Shane pushed forward that last little bit, fully connecting their lips in a kiss that was softer than his words. It was very innocent, more a press of their lips together than anything, but Ryan was frozen and electrified by it. Shane’s hand came up to hover over his jaw, his long fingers spanning nearly the entire side of Ryan’s neck. 

Ryan finally came back to himself and deepened the kiss, feeling the slight give of Shane’s lips under his. Shane let out a surprised breath, his hand now fully resting against Ryan’s neck, and Ryan took the chance to return his own hand to Shane’s head, making the angle a little better as he took control. He slowly pressed kiss after kiss to Shane’s lips, finding it hard to think as Shane kissed back, his fingers digging into the base of Ryan’s neck. 

Ryan shifted, bringing his right leg up to kneel on the couch. His mouth never left Shane’s as he loomed over the taller man. He craned his neck down as he swung his left leg around Shane’s, trapping both between his knees. Shane’s right hand came up to rest low on Ryan’s waist, steadying him, while Ryan’s came up beside Shane’s head and pressed into the back of the couch behind him.

Shane fell back against the couch, his head tipping up, and Ryan followed the movement forward. Shane gave back as good as he got, making Ryan feel almost drunk with the way Shane’s lips moved against his. When he felt the slight pass of Shane’s tongue over his bottom lip, Ryan shivered. He opened his mouth, pushing his body closer to Shane’s.

Ryan couldn’t hold back a moan when Shane’s tongue met his. Shane immediately pulled it back, leaving Ryan wanting more, and lightly bit down on Ryan’s lip, drawing it into his own mouth for a brief second before releasing it. Ryan let out another moan as Shane began kissing him again, moving his lips against Ryan’s teasingly. Ryan moved his hand from the couch to Shane’s shoulder as the other man’s lips kissed their way down to Ryan’s jaw. Ryan grabbed a handful Shane’s hair as he trailed kisses up behind Ryan’s ear, the tip of his nose brushing against the skin there. His grip on Shane’s shoulder tightened briefly before he slid his hand down the other man’s chest, fisting his shirt in his grasp. He gasped in a breath, holding it as Shane placed a light bite to Ryan’s neck, just below his ear.

“Shane,” he said in a breathy exhale. Shane brushed his lips over Ryan’s skin as he moved to the underside of Ryan’s jaw. He used the difference in height to nuzzle into the skin there, pressing kiss after bruising kiss to his neck. Ryan tilted his head up to allow more access and moved his grip on Shane’s hair further back and up. He pushed a little as he tugged on the hair, holding Shane against him. 

“You make such pretty sounds with those gorgeous lips,” he murmured into Ryan’s skin, each brush of his lips sending Ryan reeling. Shane’s hand against his waist snuck beneath his jersey and began moving up his back, the light touch raising goosebumps on Ryan’s arms. Shane wracked the shirt up with him, leaving Ryan’s back suddenly exposed to the cool air. Ryan shivered again as his grip on Shane’s shirt tightened.

When Shane started sucking on the skin where his neck met his collarbone, Ryan let out a surprised moan, accidentally pulling hard on Shane’s hair. Shane’s answering groan of pleasure sent a new wave of want through Ryan. He swung his left leg around again and let go of Shane shirt, setting his hand down on the seat of the couch to steady himself. He leaned backward, Shane following easily and never separating from Ryan. As Ryan’s back and head met the couch cushions, Shane finally pushed himself up, his arms bracketing Ryan’s body as he hovered over him. Ryan shifted his legs, closing them around Shane’s waist as Shane stretched out over him, the long line of his body taking up the whole couch and then some.

“Look at you,” he said, his voice a low rumble that made Ryan’s body _sing_. Ryan brought his arms up around Shane’s neck, pulling him down on top of him and bringing their lips together again. Shane’s left hand shot out against the arm rest as he stumbled slightly, leaning down to better meet Ryan. 

Ryan felt like he could barely breathe between Shane’s comforting weight pressing him down into the couch and the way his lips demanded Ryan’s attention, barely stopping for air. 

Ryan would’ve been happy to stay like that for hours, with Shane surrounding him on every side. But when Shane’s knee came up and brushed against the tent in his joggers, his hips bucking up against Shane’s as he moaned, he knew they needed to talk first. As much as Ryan didn’t want to, he knew they might regret it if they didn’t, and he didn’t know if he could handle being a _mistake_ to Shane.

“Shane,” he moaned, turning his head away from the way Shane was kissing him more forcefully now, spurred on by Ryan’s movement. Ryan let his arms fall back, pushing slightly against Shane’s shoulders rather than looping around them as Shane dropped his hips down against Ryan’s. “ _Shane_ ,” he cried out, voice hitching on a moan at the unexpected pleasure. 

“ _Wait_ ,” he gasped. “Stop for a sec.”

Shane stilled above him, pushing himself back and away from Ryan instantly. Ryan sat up, leaning on his elbows as he took in the way Shane had pressed himself against the other side of the couch. His eyes were wide as he panted.

“‘M sorry,” he stuttered out, chest heaving. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay,” Ryan assured him, cutting him off before he could go any further down that line of thought. “I want it too, Shane, _god_ do I fucking want it. I just...” Ryan sat up fully as he swallowed, pulling his knees to his chest. “I feel like we should talk about this before throwing ourselves into something we might not recover from, you know?”

Shane mirrored Ryan’s position, though with significantly more leg. “I don’t plan on needing to recover from this,” he whispered. 

“I don’t either,” Ryan admitted. “But I’d rather play it safe than fuck this up. You mean too much to me, I don’t know what I’d do if I pushed you away.”

“You couldn’t,” Shane said simply. 

Ryan’s heart rang with joy at those two words and what they meant. 

He hid his smile in his arms, turning his head away slightly to hide the blush that he could feel on his cheeks.

“You’re so cute,” Shane mumbled, like he didn’t mean for Ryan to hear.

“You think so?”

But Ryan _did_ in fact hear. He heard very well.

Shane’s cheeks tinted a little at being caught, but he held Ryan’s gaze. “And what if I do?” he teased.

“Then I might be tempted to kiss you again before we get any talking done,” Ryan responded honestly.

A slow grin lit up Shane’s face. “I don’t see the problem here.”

Ryan snorted, shaking his head as he smiled. “You wouldn’t.”

Shane leaned to the side, resting his head against the couch. “So.”

Ryan couldn't hold back his laugh when he realised that it was the same way Shane had started their initial conversation. “So,” he repeated, amused.

“You really are gorgeous when you laugh, you know,” Shane said, not taking his eyes off of Ryan. “And I’m not just saying that to get in your pants or make you feel better or whatever.”

In reality, it was difficult for blushes to show up on Ryan with his skin tone; even if he could feel it on his face, it rarely showed visibly. But he was almost positive Shane would be able to see it now. “I know a few people that would disagree with you,” he responded softly.

“Yeah,” Shane acquiesced, “and they would be wrong.”

“You can’t have a _wrong_ opinion, Shane,” Ryan argued.

“Sure you can,” he said easily. “Thinking that ghosts are real? That’s a wrong opinion right there. Believing that Ryan Bergara is anything other than absolutely stunning in every way? That’s an even falser one.”

“ _Shane_ ,” Ryan whined, burying his face against his arm as Shane laughed. 

“What, am _I_ not allowed to have opinions now?” he mocked.

“You can have them,” he mumbled into his skin. 

Shane sighed, though it was far lighter than his earlier ones had been. “So. Where did you want to start with this?”

Ryan thought about it for a minute before he sighed too. “I guess just… What d’you _want_ from this?”

Shane furrowed his brows together. “What do you mean?”

“Like… is this a spur of the moment ‘he’s cute’ hookup, is this just to make me feel better about myself, are you looking to go long term, what?”

“Ryan,” Shane admonished. “I’m not doing this to give you a _self esteem boost_. There are a lot easier ways of doing that that involve _way_ less exercise if that was all it was. My arms got a real workout trying not to crush you, you know.”

Ryan laughed again, still hiding it in the crook of his arm. Shane’s eyes softened.

“You want the whole truth?” he asked quietly.

“And nothing but the truth,” Ryan quipped.

“So help me God,” Shane finished solemnly, though with a smile. “Ryan, I’m…” he trailed off, just staring at Ryan. “I think we’ve already established that I care about you. Like; a _lot_.”

Ryan hummed in response. 

“And that goes beyond strictly _platonic_ feelings,” he continued carefully.

“I’d hope so, considering that you just had me moaning and grinding against you on my couch.”

“Shut up,” Shane laughed out, turning his face toward the couch a little.

“What, you don’t do that with all of your friends?” Ryan teased. “I’m _touched_.”

“ _Ryan_ ,” Shane said, exasperated. 

“Okay, okay,” Ryan chuckled, “I’ll be good.”

Shane rolled his eyes as he sat up again. “Doubt that.” He took in a deep breath, licking his lips and exhaling again slowly. “Fuck it,” he muttered, before staring into Ryan’s eyes with the most open expression Ryan had ever seen on the other man. 

“I’m in love with you,” he said simply.

Ryan blinked. He stopped breathing.

After a long pause, Shane started to look a little worried. “Ryan?”

“You love me?” Ryan repeated in a small voice. 

Shane’s face softened. “How could I _not_?”

Ryan felt another shiver go up his body, though it felt entirely different than the ones from before.

“I think I have for a while, honestly,” Shane admitted. “Like, I’ve _always_ thought you were really cute; but when we first met, I thought you were a straighter-than-spaghetti frat boy, so I never said anything about it.”

“Well, spaghetti is only straight until you heat it up,” Ryan said quietly.

“Or until you get it wet,” Shane added with a tiny smirk.

Ryan was glad he wasn’t drinking anything; he nearly choked on his spit as it was.

“When we got sat next to each other, I was pretty happy,” Shane continued, eyes now on his hands, “‘cause it meant that I could keep staring at you every day at work. Hate to see you leave, love to watch you go kinda thing, y’know?” he added jokingly. “And then... we started _talking_ and it was like, ‘Oh shit. I actually _like_ this guy.’ And we became friends, and we started doing videos together, and when you asked me to do Unsolved with you, Ry, I would’ve said yes even if my calendar was completely filled for the next _decade_.”

“All that for a pretty face?” Ryan whispered.

“A pretty face,” Shane confirmed. “And a talented mind. And a caring soul, and a _killer_ sense of humor.” With every addition to the list, Shane’s lips ticked up a little more until he was smiling openly. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Ryan,” he confessed softly. “We have _so_ many weird little things in common, but I can still mock you for the gaping differences and you _laugh_ about it, you throw it right back at me. You keep me on my toes and push me to be better, and you make me happier than anyone else in my life. If that’s not love… I don’t know what _is_ , and I’m not sure I’d want it if I found it.”

Ryan had been through a lot of emotions in a very short period of time. He’d been thrown from embarrassment to fear and shame and guilt and _lust_ since the moment he woke up, but this was it; this deep, all-encompassing adoration and _love_ for the man sitting in front of him was what finally broke him. He tried to wipe the tears away before Shane could see them, but he’d never really been able to get much past Shane.

“Ryan?” he asked, so _softly_ , like Ryan was something fragile, to be handled with care.

“I think I love you too,” he choked out. “You’ve been such a huge part of my life for _so_ long… I don’t want to imagine what it would be like without you. I don’t think I’d like it very much, to tell you the truth,” he laughed out through the tears. 

Shane laughed along with him, sounding a little choked up and relieved. “I’m glad.” He swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing with the movement. “ _Really_ glad.”

“Me too.” 

Shane relaxed his legs, letting the tip of his sock covered toe lightly nudge against the side of Ryan’s foot. He reached out a hand between them. Ryan mirrored him, grabbing Shane’s hand in his own. He squeezed tightly once before letting go. This time, as he crawled over Shane, nothing was hurried or desperate. When he kneeled over Shane and took the man’s stubbly face in his hands, it was gentle. The kisses they shared as Shane’s hands came up to cup Ryan’s face weren’t rough and filled with want, with _need_ ; they were soft and loving and reassuring. They both took their time showing their devotion, and when Shane lowered himself to the couch like Ryan had a few minutes ago, Ryan followed, his thumb rubbing over Shane’s cheekbone. When Ryan shifted down more fully between Shane’s legs, taking his glasses off as he went, he laid his head on Shane’s chest and felt Shane’s arms surround him, holding him close. He listened to the steady beat of Shane’s heart as Shane placed a kiss to Ryan’s hair.

They laid there, legs tangled together and wrapped in each other’s arms as Shane enveloped Ryan. “I’ve said this twenty times,” Shane murmured softly, “but I’ll keep saying it until it stops being true, which is never: You’re beautiful Ryan. Seeing you smile and laugh is the best part of my day, and if anyone wants to try and argue otherwise, I’ll gladly throw down like I did last night.”

Ryan nuzzled closer into Shane’s shirt. “You ‘threw down’?”

“I chewed them out verbally,” he corrected. “ _Very_ thoroughly.”

“My hero,” Ryan mumbled sarcastically, hiding his smile against Shane’s sternum.

“You know it,” he said, pressing yet another kiss into Ryan’s hair.

“I really don’t want to go into work tomorrow,” Ryan admitted, closing his eyes.

“I’d be worried if you did,” Shane said.

“Shut up, Shane.”

Shane huffed out a small laugh. “I’ll be right there,” he promised quietly. His hand was tracing delicate circles into Ryan’s lower back where his shirt had ridden up again.

“I know,” Ryan whispered. “That’s the only thing keeping me from running away and starting a new life as Ricky Goldsworth.”

“Oh, I bet the fans would _love_ that,” Shane replied, laughing once more.

Ryan let out a small huff of laughter himself. “They probably would. I can imagine the headline now: ‘Ex-Buzzfeed Employee Gone Mad, Takes Over Mayor’s House in Fucksville, Idaho.’”

Ryan could feel as well as hear Shane laughing underneath him. “‘Gold Digger or Maniac? You’ll Never _Believe_ What Happened to _this_ YouTube Star,’” he added.

“‘Marketing Gone Wrong,’” Ryan wheezed out. “God, they _did_ want me to engage our audience more.”

“I don’t think that’s _quite_ what they had in mind, Ryan,” Shane commented, his unoccupied hand coming up to bury itself in Ryan’s hair, gently massaging his scalp.

“Well that’s _their_ fault for not specifying,” Ryan insisted, nearly melting into the feeling.

“Alright,” Shane chuckled, “fair enough.”

After a moment of silence, Shane’s hand briefly tightened its grip before returning to its soothing motions. “You know I’ll be there for you, right?”

Ryan turned to rest his chin on Shane’s chest so that he could look up at Shane. “Yeah… I do,” he said honestly. The corners of Shane’s mouth quirked up a little.

“I’m serious. Whatever you need, Bergara, I’m there. Need someone to go grab coffee? I’m your man. Need someone to yell at the people around you for staring at your blinding beauty? You don’t even have to ask.”

Ryan dropped his head back down as he laughed.

“Hey,” Shane complained, “I was trying to look at your face there, what the fuck?”

“Fuck _off_ Shane,” Ryan wheezed, burying his face further into Shane’s shirt.

“I tried and you stopped me,” Shane pointed out.

Ryan was incapable of speech with how much he was laughing, so he didn’t even bother trying, merely shoving Shane’s leg into the couch with his own in lieu of a response.

“Wow, we kiss once and you’re already abusing me. I expected more of you Ryan,” Shane said, sighing in mock disappointment.

“I _will_ throw you out of my apartment,” Ryan threatened, knowing he would do no such thing. “Besides, I think we’re far past _one_ kiss.”

“Maybe,” Shane agreed quietly, his hand finally falling still to rest on Ryan’s head. After a few moments of sitting with each other, Shane shifted underneath him. Ryan pushed himself up to kneel again and was met with the sight of Shane gazing up at him in what Ryan could only describe as awe.

“What?” he asked nervously.

“I’m just stupefied by the idea that anyone could look at you and not immediately fall in love. _God_. I think I just came a little at the sight of you crawling over me like that,” Shane admitted, eyes wide. 

Ryan could feel his blush returning as he pushed himself up to sit at the other end of the couch. He held his hands out to Shane, allowing him to grip them, and pulled Shane up to a sitting position in front of him.

“And that’s another thing,” Shane proclaimed. “Those fucking _muscles?_ I don’t know what’s worse, watching them while you lift me up like I’m a fucking _doll_ or feeling them under my hands.”

“ _Shane_.” Ryan stuttered out an embarrassed laugh, not sure how to handle the words. He picked up his glasses from where they sat on the floor and put them on again to delay looking at Shane. As they settled on his nose, he felt Shane’s hand slip under his chin, gently tilting his head up until he could easily meet Shane’s gaze.

“There’s that smile,” he whispered with a smile of his own. Ryan looked down once more and Shane let his hand drop. “Do you know why I always yell at the non-existent ghosts and demons?” he asked suddenly.

Ryan’s eyebrows drew together in amused confusion. “What?”

“I mean, obviously I don’t think anything’s there,” he continued, “so why waste my breath so much?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan admitted, “I figured it was so that the show would be, you know, _funny_. So that we could get _paid._ ”

“That’s part of it,” Shane confirmed, eyes crinkling in a silent laugh. “But it’s not the main reason.” Shane shifted forward and grabbed Ryan’s hands in his, rubbing his thumbs against Ryan’s knuckles. “I do it because it makes you laugh. Sometimes you get so _scared_ and wrapped up in everything and I can’t _stand_ it. So, rather than see you wide eyed and terrified, I try to make you laugh instead.”

“You-” Ryan cut himself off, incredulous.

“Come on, this can’t be _that_ big of a shocker,” Shane said, rolling his eyes. His words were softened by the soft smile on his face. “The best part of my day is making you laugh and smile, why _wouldn’t_ I do it as often as I can?”

“That… was unexpectedly cheesy of you,” Ryan finally said, still staring wide eyed at the older man.

“How dare you,” he deadpanned. “I am _made_ of cheese and you _know_ it.”

The laugh left Ryan’s mouth without his permission, and his hand immediately shot up to cover it. Or, at least, it _tried_ to. Shane’s grip on his hands tightened, keeping them down by their knees. Ryan closed his mouth and bit his lip, though he was still smiling a little.

Shane raised an eyebrow at him. “I go on a whole tirade about how much I love your smile and you immediately stop laughing at my jokes?” he questioned dryly. “I see how it is.”

Ryan snorted, though he felt a little bad at the words. “Shane, that’s not-”

“No, no, I get it,” he said quickly. “It’s fine, you hate me. I’ll just take my cheese and leave,” he declared dramatically.

Ryan’s smile grew at the joke. “Shane-” he tried again.

Shane made to stand up, so Ryan turned his hands in Shane’s grasp and grabbed onto Shane’s wrists, using them to pull Shane closer to him. He caught Shane’s lips in a sweet kiss as Shane’s hands frantically grabbed onto Ryan’s thighs to steady himself.

“If I’d known that all it would take to shut you up was a kiss, I would’ve made out with you a long time ago,” Ryan stated, pecking Shane’s lips one more time before pulling back.

“I mean, I’m not _complaining_ ,” Shane said, looking a little dazed.

Ryan laughed again, ducking his head down shyly.

“Did you have any plans for today?” Shane asked suddenly.

“Other than taking a shower and moping around? No, not really.”

“Do you _want_ to have plans? I mean, like… with _me_ , maybe?”

Ryan felt the corners of his mouth curl up again. “I think I might be able to swing that.”

“Then go get your shower, Bergara. I’m gonna take you on the best fucking first date you’ve ever had. And I _will_ make you smile the whole time, mark my words.”

“Fine by me,” Ryan grinned.


	6. Chapter 6

If the Sunday afternoon and evening he’d spent with Shane were a breath of fresh air, Ryan was pretty sure that walking into the office the next morning was the equivalent of a death rattle.

Shane nudged him with his elbow as they walked through the lobby like he could hear Ryan’s thoughts.

“Come on,” he said. “You’ll be fine. We don’t even have to film anything today. Just eight straight hours of emails, research, and longing for death.”

“Aren’t _we_ chipper today,” Jen yelled over her shoulder as she ran past them. Both turned to stare at her until she rounded the corner, holding onto it a bit as she swung herself around.

“See,” Shane said as they continued on. “Jen’s got the right idea. Nine in the morning and she’s already running away from her responsibilities.”

“Or maybe she’s running _to_ them,” Ryan countered.

“Always the pessimist,” he responded lightly.

They made their way up the flight of stairs to the break room, grabbing coffee together before descending to the main floor again. They sat down at their desk and started working without another word between them. 

Ryan was a little hesitant to laugh at Shane’s steady flow of jokes as loudly as he normally did, but he saw that no one really looked twice at them when he did, which did wonders for his anxiety. Between this and Shane’s exhaustive efforts yesterday to make him less aware of his smile, Ryan was starting to feel a little less stressed about the whole ordeal. 

Of course, that’s when the universe decided to fuck him over again. And it didn’t even have the decency to do it in the fun way this time.

As they were nearing the end of the day, Ryan leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms over his head and holding back a yawn. He’d been frantically redoing the script he worked on last week, fixing all of the damage he’d done in his panic, and he’d barely moved since they got back from lunch. His stiff joints ached and popped and he felt a little lightheaded for a moment, but soon slumped back into his chair, staring at the work he’d gotten done.

“Show off,” Shane muttered from his right side. When Ryan looked over at him, he saw Shane’s eyes quickly flick from Ryan’s stomach (where he knew his shirt had ridden up slightly) to the screen in front of him.

“You’re not as sly as you think you are,” Ryan teased quietly, lips curling upward.

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Shane replied passively, focus seemingly on the work in front of him.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Ryan gently rolled his head back, trying to sooth some of the strain there. As he looked forward again, he allowed his eyes to take in the room in front of him, idly noting the interns that were rushing around and the other creators that were diligently working to meet their deadlines. Ryan was about to start working on his script again when a head of blonde hair near the wall caught his eye.

Okay. Ryan knew that it could be _anyone_. There were so many blonde haired women here that it was mind boggling sometimes. Hell, it could’ve been fucking _Kelsey_ or _Devon_ for all Ryan knew. But it got his attention and he couldn’t stop himself from craning his neck to get a better view.

When he saw that it was the same face from Saturday night, he immediately slumped down in his chair, hiding her from his view.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan saw Shane take his headphones off and turn to look at him.

“You… good?” he asked, sounding confused.

Ryan nodded, face blank as he began typing again. Shane straightened up in his seat, looking over where Ryan had seen the woman before. When Shane stayed that way for a lot longer than could feasibly be considered normal, Ryan finally broke and glanced over at his friend (Boyfriend? Lover? They hadn’t exactly decided on a _label_ , but Ryan was _pretty_ sure they were dating? But they hadn’t even slept with each other yet, so could they _really_ be considered _lovers_ -?). 

While he didn’t look as blatantly angry as he had Saturday night, he was no less forceful and frightening. Shane’s face looked blank at first glance, but Ryan could see the tightness around his eyes, the quiet intensity in his gaze as he sat there without blinking. Ryan glanced over at the woman to see her staring back at Shane, looking like a deer about to be run over by a truck. She gathered some papers in her arms and quickly walked in the opposite direction.

Ryan watched her leave, turning back to Shane only when she had disappeared around a corner. “What… was all _that_ about?”

Shane continued lightly glaring at the corridor the woman had turned down, still motionless other than his breathing. “Remember that ‘verbal admonishment’ I said I gave her? It was really more of a verbal beatdown, if I’m being honest with myself.” Shane finally blinked, turning to look at Ryan again. “Which I’m _not_ in the habit of doing, mind you, so don’t you go getting used to it.”

Ryan let out an incredulous huff that was somewhere in the realm of laughter as he continued staring at Shane, astonished.

“You really went off on her, huh?”

Shane turned away, but Ryan could see the hint of a flush on his cheek. “I don’t particularly agree with her views,” he said in lieu of confirmation.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Ryan stated, eyes wide. Shane began typing again, leaving Ryan to stare for another moment before he too turned back to his work. 

Try as he might, Ryan couldn’t help but shrink back into himself for the remainder of the day. Every time someone came up and asked him about something, he’d give a thin lipped smile in return and answer with as few words as possible. Ryan clocked out the second he was able to, shutting everything down and grabbing his stuff as he stood up. Shane’s hand on his arm stopped him in his tracks, though.

“If you wait for a minute, I’ll walk out with you,” he offered, already closing out of his documents.

Ryan swallowed but stayed put.

“Sure.”

Five minutes later, the two of them were off the clock and walking toward Ryan’s car. Since Shane had stayed the night at Ryan’s place, they had decided to carpool to work to save on gas. 

Ryan was beginning to regret that decision.

After they’d gotten in the car, Ryan in the driver’s side and Shane in the passenger seat, Shane turned his head slightly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly,” Ryan said tightly, already making his way out of the parking lot.

Shane sighed. Ryan thought he might try again, but Shane just reached out, turning the radio up and flipping through frequencies until he landed on a rock station. It was silent other than the sounds of Metallica and Three Days Grace as Ryan navigated traffic, making his way back to the apartment. 

As they climbed the stairs to his floor, Shane still said nothing. It wasn’t until he’d closed the door behind him that Shane gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him to Ryan’s couch. They sat close together, though Ryan faced forward rather than turning his body in Shane’s direction. 

“Ryan,” he started quietly.

“I know,” Ryan replied, dropping his head into his hands. “I _know_ , okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I _know_ that I’m being ridiculous and acting like a fucking _child-_ ”

“Ryan.”

“-I _know_ that I should be able to go to work and not shut down the second I see her again-”

“ _Ryan_.”

“-I know that I’m blowing all of this _way_ out of proportion-”

“Ryan!” Shane finally shouted, grabbing Ryan’s shoulders and forcing him to face him.

Ryan’s head shot up as he blinked furiously, cursing the stinging in his eyes.

“ _Ryan_ ,” Shane whispered, looking more upset than Ryan had ever seen him. “I didn’t come here to chew you out and _mock_ you,” he insisted, eyes wide as he held Ryan’s gaze.

“Sorry,” Ryan tried to say, but Shane was already shaking his head.

“It’s _okay_ Ryan, I’m not-” Shane broke off with a sigh. “I’m not _mad_ at you for having _insecurities_ , fuck.” He lifted one of his hands, absently pushing his hair back as he closed his eyes.

“I know,” Ryan said, causing Shane to stare at him, unamused. Ryan let out a small laugh. “I’m sorry, I had to.”

“That’s _definitely_ not true,” Shane said, rolling his eyes. He let his other hand drop from Ryan’s shoulders, setting both in his lap. Ryan ran his hand over the soft material of the couch, absently watching his own progress. 

“I know you’re frustrated and angry,” Shane continued, his voice patient and understanding. “But nothing is going to get better if you don’t let people _help_ you.”

“I don’t even know what _would_ help,” Ryan admitted, his hand falling still. “I don’t know what to _do_ , Shane.”

“Talk me through it,” he offered gently.

Ryan’s eyebrows came together in confusion. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Walk me through what you’re thinking,” Shane explained. “You were doing so much better this morning, right up until you saw her. What made you pull away again?”

“I just…” He trailed off helplessly, vacantly staring down at his hand. Ryan tried to really _think_ about it, tried to find order and reason in his thoughts. “I hated knowing that she was _there_ , I guess,” he finally said. “Before, no one was really paid us any more attention than normal and it was easier to just let myself _exist_ without overthinking things. But when I saw her, I started thinking about how she could’ve been watching for a while and I never would have known if I hadn’t looked up. And then I started thinking about how other people could be watching too,” he continued, his words picking up pace, “and noticing how weird my laugh is or how odd my smile looks, and once I started _thinking_ about it, I couldn’t _stop_ thinking about it.” Ryan lifted his head, looking desperately at Shane.

Shane looked heartbroken as he leaned forward, gathering Ryan in a hug. Ryan curled his arms around Shane like he was the only thing keeping him afloat as he clung tighter to the man in front of him.

Shane turned his head, his lips brushing against Ryan’s hair as he spoke. “If anyone _was_ looking at you, it’s because they were astonished by how attractive you are, not because they were picking you apart.”

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face in Shane’s neck. He felt bad for getting tears on Shane’s shirt, but they continued to fall. 

“I know that you’re a perfectionist,” Shane continued softly, “that you want everything to be just right and you hate it when the smallest detail is off; I guess it only makes sense that that would extend to your body too. But Ryan, I _promise_ , there’s nothing there to pick apart. You’re genuinely the most attractive man I’ve ever met.” Shane pressed a firm kiss to Ryan’s head. “People’s opinions can do a lot of damage,” he acknowledged, “but you can’t let them break you down. There are so many people in the world; you’re never going to please all of them.”

Ryan had to hold back a sob; he knew Shane must have felt the way his body shook with the effort.

“But you don’t _need_ to please everyone,” Shane said firmly. “The only person that you need to satisfy is yourself; everyone else can get fucked.”

Ryan let out a small gasping laugh that sounded a little like a sob. He could feel Shane smile against his skin. “I don’t care if it takes literally the rest of my life. I’m gonna make you see how gorgeous you are Ryan Bergara. Until you know for yourself that you have the right to be confident and assured and _happy_ with who you are.”

Ryan pressed his face closer to Shane’s neck. “But how do I _get_ there?” 

Shane nuzzled behind Ryan’s ear. “You let people _help_ you,” he said simply. “At least… that’s what _I_ did.”

Ryan felt his heart break a little as the meaning of the words sink in. He pulled back, bringing one hand up to cup Shane’s face. After Ryan continued to gaze at him, silently demanding an explanation, Shane finally gave in. Sighing, he pressed a kiss to the palm of Ryan’s hand before he turned his face away from Ryan. Ryan let his hand fall to rest against Shane’s chest instead. 

“You’re an attractive man,” Shane stated. “It’s not a _bad_ thing; in fact I’d say it’s pretty great for everyone involved,” he said, faintly smirking at Ryan. The smirk, and his gaze, fell as he continued. “It wasn’t _your_ fault, but... I used to get really down on myself when we first started filming. There were all of these comments about how _attractive_ you are, how _muscle-y_ you are. And I completely agree with them, don’t get me wrong… but for a while there, it made me really self-conscious about my body.” Shane was staring resolutely at the leg of the coffee table. “Everyone always commented on how good _you_ looked, how attractive _you_ were, but when it came to _me_ , there was nothing. And I felt just like you do, like ‘why the _fuck_ am I letting this get to me so much? This is _pointless_.’” 

“I worked through it; Jen, especially, helped me with it, but... still. And later, whenever I thought about you… about how much I _liked_ you…” Shane paused, still refusing to meet Ryan’s eyes. “I always told myself that you could never look at me like _that_ because there wasn’t anything to look at, y’know?” Shane let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t think I’m _bad_ looking, I guess, but when you put me up against some of our coworkers? I’m not exactly winning any company beauty pageants here.”

Shane sighed again, finally looking up at Ryan again. “ _That’s_ why I can promise you that everyone thinking you’re ugly is bullshit, Ryan. I’ve _seen_ the droves of people that would love to have you step on them; hell, I’m one of them,” he admitted. “I can promise you that the amount of people that don’t like how you look is vastly overshadowed by the people that think you’re hot as fuck. And if _you’re_ unattractive, then I don’t even want to fucking _know_ what that makes me,” he concluded dryly.

Ryan brought his hand to Shane’s face again, loving the way that Shane leaned into it. “You’re _so_ handsome, Shane,” he whispered. “I don’t care what anyone else wants to say, you’ve been hot as fuck from day one. The day we met, I went home and thought about you covering me with your body and holding me down. You really think I’d be thinking that about someone who _wasn’t_ hot as shit?” he asked rhetorically.

Shane huffed out a laugh. “You’re making that up to make me feel better,” he accused, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a smile.

“No I’m not,” Ryan laughed out. “I legitimately thought about what it’d be like to have mister 6’4 shove me down on my mattress and take what he wanted.”

“I never took you for a liar, Mr. Bergara,” Shane said with a smile.

“That’s because I’m not.”

“Mmm, kinda sounds like you’re lying to me right now,” Shane said, tilting his head. “Although I _will_ admit that I don’t mind the way this lie’s going.”

Ryan let out a loud laugh, his eyes shining happily as he stared at Shane.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Ryan jokingly mumbled as he traced his thumb lightly against Shane’s cheek.

He knew it didn’t quite sound like a joke, though.

Shane turned and pressed his lips to Ryan’s palm again. “You existed, I guess,” he stated. “Unless you secretly slipped God a fiver or something and didn’t tell me,” he added, a glint in his eye.

“You’d be the first person I told,” he assured him, looping his arms around Shane again as he laid against the taller man’s shoulder.

“Ha, suck it _Steve_ ,” Shane said, tightening his own hold on Ryan.

Ryan laughed as he pushed away from Shane halfheartedly at the horrible joke. He didn’t make it very far and instead settled back into Shane’s embrace.

“You’re the worst,” he mumbled. “You know that right?”

“It’s what you deserve,” Shane responded easily. “You’re the one that bribed God man, if you wanted better you should’ve specified.”

Ryan smiled into Shane’s neck. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Shane hummed, the vibration making Ryan feel warm.

“I’m gonna make sure you know it,” Ryan promised. “Because you really are unfairly hot and I think that’s something you should be aware of.”

The vibrations of Shane laughing made Ryan feel even warmer.

“Seriously, like I can’t even _tell_ you how many times we’ve been at a location, and you’re standing there in your glasses with that scruffy beard you get when you don’t shave, and I just wanted you to shove me against the nearest wall and rut against me until I couldn’t see straight.”

“Ryan?” 

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t stop talking, there’s not gonna be a whole lot of conversation between us for the next hour or so.”

Ryan paused. “Only the next hour?”

Shane snorted out a laugh, burying his face against Ryan’s neck. Ryan yelped out a laugh as Shane started nibbling ticklishly on the skin there, blowing puffs of air against the now wet area.

“Alright, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he cried out between fits of laughter.

“Damn right you are,” Shane said with finality. He pushed Ryan back to lie on the couch, his arms looped around Ryan’s middle and face still buried in Ryan’s neck. Ryan brought his hands up to card through Shane’s hair.

Ryan closed his eyes, the comforting weight of Shane on top of him making him feel protected. 

In Ryan’s mind, Shane meant _love_ ; he meant _safety_. 

He meant _home_.

* * *

Ryan lost track of how long they laid there, Ryan still running his hands through Shane’s hair soothingly.

“Ryan?” Shane said after a while, not so much breaking the silence between them as gently prodding at it.

Ryan hummed questioningly, not halting his movements.

Shane stayed silent for a minute. “Would it help if you didn’t have to see blondie at work? Like… seriously? Would that be good for you?”

Ryan’s hands slowed, but didn’t halt their movements as he thought about it. “Yeah,” he whispered eventually. “I think it would help me a lot,” he admitted.

“Okay,” Shane said simply.

They didn’t talk after that, lulling themselves back into a comforting silence. Ryan must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he opened his eyes again, it was dark. Shane’s heavy weight was still on top of him, though there was a blanket over him that hadn’t been there earlier. Ryan shifted slowly, turning a little to lay more on the side that didn’t feel like dead weight. Shane shifted slightly on top of him, nuzzling into Ryan’s shirt.

He noticed that neither of them were wearing pants as his legs brushed against Shane’s and wondered how deeply he’d been out; how _tired_ he really was. 

He decided that that was a problem for the Ryan of the morning, however. He gently looped his arms around Shane’s waist again, settling in comfortably on the couch.

For the first time in days, everything felt right to Ryan.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you who are wondering, the hall-mills murder was a case that involved an episcopal priest and a member of his choir with whom he was having an affair. the two were shot and killed, and people thought it was the guy’s wife and brothers-in-law, but no one was ever convicted

“Now, for our final roast from Mar on Instagram,” Shane grumbled out in his wrestling announcer voice. 

“‘oh look at me i’m ryan bergara. i have perfect bone structure and kind eyes. go fuck yourself ryan bergara’”

Ryan placed his hand over his heart, exaggerating being wounded by the comment. “Oooh!”

“We got ‘em!” Shane shouted gleefully, pointing at the camera.

Ryan laughed maniacally, his eyes scrunching up with the force of his smile. “Really threw me to the wolves there Mar.”

“Absolutely _brutal_ ,” Shane agreed.

“Well,” Ryan began in a much calmer voice, “that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem.” Ryan could see Shane nodding along enthusiastically out of the corner of his eye. “Make sure you watch the episode this Friday and then comment directly on the video, _or_ on the Buzzfeed Unsolved _Instagram_ page or the _Facebook_ page, and _maybe_ ,” he said slyly, _“_ you’ll be in the next episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem.”

“And what, pray tell, is coming up next week Ryan?” Shane asked, turning to face Ryan as he over-enunciated every word.

It took Ryan a moment to recall what the episode actually _was_ , but he smiled when he realized that next up was the Hall-Mills Murder. “Oh, you’ll love this one,” he said to the camera. “When I first read about it, I _will_ say that all I could think was just ‘holy shit.’” 

“‘Holy shit,’” Shane wheezed out. “ _Jesus_ , Ryan.”

“Exactly,” he responded cheekily, which set Shane off again. Ryan laughed at the borderline disrespectfulness of their laughter, which honestly just made him want to laugh even more. When they finally collected themselves, they finished out the video and Mark gave them the thumbs up from behind the camera. Everyone began bustling behind their cameraman as Shane and Ryan stood up. When someone Ryan had never seen before came up to help them get their mics off, Ryan squinted suspiciously at Shane, but all the other did was smile back innocently.

As they walked to their cars half an hour later, Ryan stopped Shane in the middle of his nonsensical monologue about why Dan the Hot Dog was a tragic hero. “The new guy seems really nice,” he hinted.

Shane hummed. “Yeah, I thought so too.”

Ryan stopped by the trunk of his car, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow, unimpressed. 

“Joke’s on you,” Shane muttered, “seeing your arms like that just distracts me even more.”

Ryan scoffed goodnaturedly and shook his head as he dropped his arms to his side, a small smile on his face. “I haven’t seen Blondie since Monday,” he hinted heavily.

“Oh, yeah,” Shane said, like it was an afterthought. “Yeah, Mark and Lynn had a few complaints about working with her. Turns out she wasn’t very conducive to a productive environment. Who knew, right?” 

Ryan huffed out a laugh as he dropped his head briefly toward his chest. With a quick glance to ensure that they were the only ones in the area, Ryan got on his toes and grabbed onto Shane’s open flannel. He used the grip to pull Shane down to him, kissing him firmly but sweetly on the lips.

“You’re still not sly,” he whispered, their foreheads pressed together.

“Never actually claimed to be,” Shane informed him, arms circling Ryan’s waist loosely.

Ryan pecked Shane’s lips one more time and pulled away. “You’re buying dinner,” he called over his shoulder as he pulled out his keys.

“See you soon,” Shane smiled, walking to his own car a few spaces down.

Ryan stood with one foot in the car, leaning against his open door. “See you soon big guy,” he said softly, eyes locked on the man he loved. 

Letting him help was a lot less challenging than Ryan had thought it would be. And if that meant that occasionally Shane bought food, then hey; Shane was the one that liked to see him smile. 

And if there was any combination that was sure to make him smile, it was his boyfriend and good food that he didn’t have to pay for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the roast is an actual tweet from mar (@ughmadej on twitter), who is hilarious in general

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed, and if you did, feel free to leave a comment, they really do make my day ❤  
> and for anyone reading this that knows what it's like to feel self conscious or ashamed of their smile or laugh or anything else, know that everything about you is uniquely you and gorgeous beyond measure. never feel like you have to hide any part of you because of what someone else says because there will always be someone out there that thinks you're perfect the way you are.


End file.
